why? :: a very fair question

there has been a lot on my mind lately. clearly. i think we can all understand why. why....the statement, or question.....of the hour.

a lot of you have asked me, with inquisitive and honest intentions, why i chose to blog about what happened to me.  i'm a pretty private person...in the sense that i've always tended to have a small handful of intimate friendships as opposed to a long list of acquaintances.  i've never been good at small talk ~ i like really getting to know folks.  i don't really like talking on the phone, i'd much rather get together for coffee and catch up one on one. so naturally, the question has come up.  the question has also come up as to why, given that aformentioned tendency, i blog in general.  both very fair questions with good, although sort of abstract and personal answers :) turns out it's really not an easy or simple answer but i'll give it my best shot.

i've mentioned it before and i'll say it again. i believe things happen for a reason...and what happened to me on the seizure front is no different.  there are real medical, biologically based reasons no doubt. we may not fully understand what they are but somewhere these reasons exist. ones that my science brain feels comfortable with. it's nice to put things in a little box. ok,  check.

but, in my opinion, there are reasons beyond.  truthfully, i don't know exactly what they are.....did this happen so that i have more empathy and compassion for the patients' whose lives i'll impact when i tell them they have cancer, whose lives will be turned upside down and all around? did this happen so i can be more grateful for the folks i work with, the family i love so dear, the friends who hold me in their hearts like i hold them in mine? did this happen so that i can re-evaluate how well i'm living my own life and how well i'm creating a purpose-filled life for my children?  i don't pretend, by any stretch of the imagination, to have all the answers....but the first part of the answer to all of these questions is YES. and so much more.

the best way i can answer the question is this.  alongside the biomedical fascination i have with the disease process of cancer, there exists another even more palpable reason i am drawn to this profession, these people.  sometimes something magical happens within the confines of a terminal diagnosis.  beyond the sadness and tears, some of our patients develop an unbelievable sense of perspective about what truly matters in their life's journey.  life gets distilled down to its most meaningful parts. it's different for everyone but it's always inspiring and fascinating to watch, an honor to be able to share with them....and the only thing to be envied about a terminal diagnosis.   in some small way, i feel like i've been given the opportunity to experience a small sliver of that kind of clarity (thankfully without the scary diagnosis)....and that's why you will continue to hear me say that i am GRATEFUL that all of this has happened, is happening.

and so i share.  maybe it will help you see how lucky you are, too.

as for the blogging in general.....i do it so they can see.  so they can remember. {and truthfully, these day's, so I can remember, ha!}.  someday, with kids of their own...mine will be able to look back at all of this and understand.  they'll get why i took a million pictures. why i gave them "mommy love" every night. why i watched them sleep. why hearing their belly laughs made my heart literally pound in my chest.  they'll get it.  i want them to know me....who i was as a mommy of little babies, a young doctor starting out, a girl who married her best friend.  a girl who is in love with all three of them and our life together.

sharing these stories is for them. it's for me. for ryan. it is our story. and what is life if it is not about sharing your story?