morning people

Saturday, July 27, 2013 | | 0 comments
it's funny how parenthood converts you into a "morning person".  the sooner you come to terms with that, the easier it will be.  these days i make a semi-habit of trying to get up super early....even before my enjoy a quiet cup of coffee and in today's case, some writing and a run {i have my best runs first thing in the morning....there is nothing, in my mind, as therapeutic as a run at dawn}.  benjamin and emma usually find there way to our bed around 6am.  "family cuddle time" usually consists of both of them laying there, wiggling around, snatching blankets, ben fiddling with his pacifier, emma holding all 4 of the stuffed animals she's brought with her....all the while ryan and i pretend to sleep, as if any normal person could actually get any meaningful rest four deep in a king bed full of wiggly babies.  usually cartoons end up being flipped on to calm the kids down and to squeeze maybe 10 more minutes of shut eye in.

it's hectic and insane and as i type the kids are running down the hall squealing...."chock-ee milk", "mommy it's breakfast time!!!!!" "mickey mouse house!!!" we are exhausted and we are in love.  it's hard work raising these little people and i would be lying if i didn't wish there were about 10 more hours in each day...mostly so i could use them to sleep.  i get more easily overwhelmed with the noise than ryan so he serves as a major calming force in our house.  thankfully i have long runs and grande coffees to help me on this very difficult but incredibly blessed journey.

the rain has kept us inside ALOT lately and it has been a major source of stress quite honestly.  you can feel the pent up energy in our house.  our kids love to be outside....running around, playing on the play structure, swimming in the pool.  unfortunately the constant deluge of summer storms have kept us inside far more than is adviseable with young children.  it's made everything difficult.  they get stir crazy during the day ~ let's be honest, there is only so much time you can spend playing nicely in your playroom or neatly doing art.  it's all the kids can do to contain themselves and i usually find them running the halls or jumping on emmas {new} bed.  sigh....

benjamin has always favored sleep more than his sister and things are not much different these days.....there is nothing in this world i love more than rocking him to twilight.  watching his little eyes flutter closed into that place of right before sleep.  he takes a few quick rhythmic breaths in followed by a long sigh....a sign that it's time to be placed ever so gently into his crib, surrounded by his posse of his favorite stuffed animals. but ooooooh little miss emma.  bedtime these days is a standoff.  fighting, questioning, bargaining.  anything to stay up just 5 extra minutes.  we are lucky if she is asleep by 9.  lucky i tell you.

someday, little one, you will wish for those extra minutes of shuteye.  oh how you will yearn for them.  hindsight is twenty twenty, no?

i don't have much to say on this early morning.  my fingers are out of practice with writing and my brain is too much the same.  i've been battling the worst cold imaginable and am still swimmy with cold medicine and an endless supply of cough drops.  i'm fighting like a champ to regain my normal routine of writing and keeping a running journal of this crazy little life of ours.

until then...enjoy the weekend friends.  get out there and have some fun despite whatever inclement weather might be looming.  i don't care what the forecast is today....we'll be doing much the same! in the words of benjamin "hot dog hot dog hot diggity dog!" {thank you mickey mouse house for this very charming phrase that i now hear 8349 times a day!}

photo by Emma Murphy!

it all works out in the end : on letting go of worry

Tuesday, July 2, 2013 | | 0 comments
things have a funny way of working out, i think.  i have heard this said and have had glimpses of this concept in my own life and believe it more and more every single day.

i sat with them over coffee to answer their questions about the upcoming year.  exactly one year ago, i was in their shoes....fresh out of a residency in Internal Medicine and preparing to start what i perceived at the time as "my dream job".  countless hours later....hours filled with thoughts of my patients, their families, the treatments i can offer to make their cancer go away, even just for a little bit....hours filled wrestling with difficult decisions about how best care for a patient teetering on the edge of death, at the mercy of what us folks in my line of work call a "coagulopathy" (short for a bad bleeding problem)....hours filled wrestling with my own mortality, my own perspective on my life's priorities....and probably most noteably, hours filled wrestling with the surprise passion i found for something i never intended to love, hematology.  countless hours later i realized that this is only the beginning.....that everything up until this point has prepared me for what and who i want to be, professionally.  all that internal wrestling and questioning....all those tears and life conversations....all of the discomfort i faced in my first year of was all for good reason, and it was perfect.

there is no way to explain this to them.  to explain how this first year of fellowship will help shape them.  how there are no papers to read or book to reference to guide you on that particular part of the journey.  that's the cool thing about life. sometimes you just have to wing it...

i know this to be true in many other aspects of my life.  ryan began the conversation about finally, after years of dreaming of it, starting his own business around thanksgiving of last year.  i've known for years its something he wanted to do.  we wrestled with it, slept on it, worried about it, prayed over it, cried about it (for the record, it was me who did the crying...not my ryan) and finally.....took a huge giant leap of faith.  i have spent countless hours pondering the what ifs, never once doubting my husband and his amazing capabilities but just worrying about the difficulties of any startup business.  instead, that leap of faith has proven to be one of the best chances we ever took.  we are finding our wings.  business is great and far more important than that....i've never seen ryan more happy, deeply happy, doing what he loves.

of course, as any mom does, i worry about my kids.  their happiness, their wellbeing, filling their lives with the perfect combination of fun and structure.  in the days following the visits with ben's doctor, learning that he would have to take medicine for some time, i was a wreck.  i felt so guilty for not having found this sooner (not that it would have made a difference) and worried about trying to get him to take medicine.  i worried about how it would make him feel and started thinking about the could i keep him from feeling "different".  he has started treatment and drinks his own "special juice" 3 times a day and takes another medicine from a dropper in the mornings.  he's been such a little trooper about it and has done such a great job.  i still worry but i realize that i'm the one with the issues, not him.  he's amazing in every sense of the word and, if i do my job just right, will never know the difference.

about a month ago, emma's entire school underwent a transition.  in preparation for the opening of a new center next year....she switched out of a class that she has been a part of for 2 years.  the class where she learned her ABCs,  was potty trained,  and the class where she became a big sister.  every so often in life, you form a bond with a group of people that you just can't explain.  between her amazing teachers in this class, the sweet spirits that filled emma's life each day at school, and the fun time learning they all had together....this group was some kind of magic.  truly magic.  we found out she was moving in a not so magical way, on my birthday, and it was heart breaking.  her teachers did such a good job of preparing her but, even still, she woke up on the day she was to become a "growing gator" crying.  she knew.  at 3 years old....she knew.  it was time to grow up just a little bit and move to the big kid class.  i held back my own tears as i told her how awesome this was going to be....helping her imagine all the cool stuff she would get to do in the big kid class.  it was a rough week, i won't lie.  but she has LOVED it.  at almost three and a half, she is one of the youngest kids in her class and i think the challenge is just right for her.  i can tell her teacher is amazing and emma loves her already.  anyone emma thinks is great is alright by me.  she comes home from school everyday talking about her new friends, "miss braden", and even informed me that "i have 3 sisters at school mommy!".  her little gaggle of girlfriends have decided that they are all sisters....emma told me, "now i need a sister at home, ok?".  slow down there, little one, slow down ;)

with an ounce of worry off my shoulders, and the understanding that life might work out if i just let it....things feel pretty dandy these days.  i'm making time for me.  i'm finally writing again.  i'm finding fun projects to work on around the house.  i'm working on some pretty exciting things at work.  i'm simply being with the folks i love.  and trying not to worry so damn much because whether or not i chose to believe it, seems as if the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.

happy tuesday, friends.  here's life via instagram these days. my obsession continues...

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