not so much a baby anymore : five years old

Saturday, January 10, 2015 | | 0 comments
in the midst of warm lights and the sounds of metal as the bed was broken down, her words broke my trance.  “are you ready to have a baby?”

i had been in labor for 12 hours and it was not at all like the dramatic scenes i remembered from medical school.  it was calm and i was {mostly} comfortable.  i will forever remember and be grateful for that quiet time with Ryan before life changed.  it was sacred ground we traveled together and i hold them as a few of the most beautiful moments of my life.

the end brought intense pain that was startling and thankfully not very long lived.  Ryan squeezed my hand and kissed my forehead while i tried to focus on breathing away the pain from the inside out (easier said than done).   suddenly, the room took on a quick hum as delivery preparations whirled around me.  my doctor peered up from the foot of the bed and her words caught me by complete surprise.  it sounds foolish but it’s true.  “are you ready to have a baby?”  i looked at Ryan with fear in my eyes.  my heart began to race with the deep realization that we had absolutely no real good idea about and were completely unprepared for this totally terrifying world of parenthood we were now moments away from entering.  “here we go!” he said with a grin.  5 pushes later, Emma was here.  life changed that day, in that moment actually, in thousands of beautiful ways.

Emma, tomorrow you turn FIVE and if there is anything at all you should know it is that you are so incredibly and deeply loved.   loved to the core and there is truly nothing you could ever do to change this.  you are so many things and this is what i love most about you.  there is a very real part of me that wants to stop you exactly where you are right now, to press pause.  i want to bottle up your sweet loving heart and ship it around the world because, honestly, we could all use some of it.  the way you nurse every bump or bruise your brother gets.  the way you wander into my room and kiss my head before climbing in to snuggle every morning.  the way you drag poor Henry around the house like a doll because you wants to make sure he is ok and has plenty of love.  the way you climb all over your daddy when he gets home from work.  the way you pour you soul and wild imagination into your art creations and could do this for hours.  the stories you tell and with such ease. the way you remember small little details about a kind of bird or flower I told you 2 weeks ago and the way you teach them them back to me like you’ve known them all your life.  “You know that’s an owl mommy and they are nocturnal! That means they sleep while I’m awake and play while I’m asleep which is pretty cool, is it?” (i love how you say “is it” rather than “isn’t it”).  the way you are so very particular about what you wear and in what combination and your sentiment that bathing suits should always have a cut out.  the way you comment on every single page “mommy this is really inappropriate” when you see a magazine ad.  your deep laugh and the way the sun makes your hair glow when it hits at just the right angle.  i love your sense of humor and the joy you find in the most simple of things.  i love your dedication to belting your favorite tunes and your unrivaled commitment to daily dance parties. i love finding you passed out in bed surrounded by books you are learning to read and dolls whose hair you’ve taken down and redone a hundred times.   your curiousity about the world and the way things work and the way you can construct a 3 story architectural magnatile masterpiece in the time it takes me to make a cup of coffee.

you get your sensitivity from me and your stubbornness from your father.  you have his good looks and sometimes, if the right moment comes, you make facial expressions that make me feel as if I’m looking in a mirror…a very generous one ;)

but then there is the {slightly} larger part of me, that burns with excitement to see you continue to open the gifts you were given, to see what you do with them and how you use them to shape your life.  you were born to explore and to have great new adventures.  to discover the world outside and within yourself.  to create magic and blaze new trails.  to inspire good things.  to be exactly who you are and write your own beautiful and complex story.  we are powerfully blessed to be your guides on this first part of your life journey. 

if you remember nothing else, please let it be to always have faith in the love we have for you and faith in the love in your heart. it is bigger than you could ever imagine. After all, you sweetly remind me that “God is in my heart, mommy”  and it soothes my worried mommy soul every time. 

you were born for all of this, sweet girl of ours.  

as she falls asleep each night i whisper "if all the little girls in the whole world lined up and i could only pick one to take home with me, do you know who it would be?" no matter how close to sleep she is she whispers back "me. only me!".  she's right every time.

twenty fifteen : writing it on our hearts

Thursday, January 1, 2015 | | 0 comments
i don't know about you, but i am so looking forward to 2015!  to me, each new year is like opening up a fresh new journal ripe with blank pages to fill, memories to create, and lessons to learn.  the new year feels hopeful and exciting and i can't wait to write this new chapter.

the end of the year, as i'm sure it true for many, always finds me reflecting on the year gone by.  2014 was a good year ~ one filled with lots of hard work (building a business is no easy feat!),  family trips (the mountains are our favorite from this year!),  savoring relationships with dear friends,  and the exciting decision to accept a faculty position at UF in the fall (yay! more on that later).  the kids are growing up fast (lighting speed!) and are just constantly amazing us with their sweet hearts and the funny things they say.  i truly wish i could bottle up their fantastic little spirits right where they are right at this very moment and hold on to them forever.  bittersweet, i tell you.

2014 had its share of difficult moments to boot and from each and every one of those, we will happily walk away but also learn and grow ~ and it's really hard not to be strangely thankful for that.

a wise man (ralph waldo emerson) once wrote, "write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year."  at first glance it might seem cheesy but as i consider it more fully i love the truth in his words.  we celebrate the sparkle and excitement of the new year, and rightfully so!  but, amongst a list of resolutions for the new year, i'm going to carry with me the gentle reminder to embrace each day for what it is.

every day is a blessing. be it filled with celebration, simple moments, or even frustration & grief.  some days may look and feel a whole lot better than others, but each one we get is a blessing all it's own. so go ahead, write it on your heart.  and don't let it be forgotten.

i'm looking forward to the next 365 best days of my life.  and i hope you are too.

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