groundhog day

Thursday, June 30, 2011 | | 0 comments
my life officially feels like groundhog's day right now. this night rotation is KILLing me. while i guess it's not all that surprising, 12 hour nighttime shifts are hard, folks! (no offense to anyone, we all have hard jobs.  but, 12 hours a night, 6 nights a week, 6 months pregnant, and with an energetic toddler at home! insane!) it's not like a regular workday where you get home, decompress, and have some free time. i literally get home, snuggle for a few minutes with my little ladybug, see her off to school and then pass out. i've been waking up around 3:30 or so.....and i immediately shower, hop in the car, and go get my little lady so i have a few hours with her before i head out the door for work. annnnnd repeat. over and over. i think i'm going a little bit batty.
the good news is, only 1 shift left. that still feels like a lifetime...but only 1 shift left. god give me the strength ;)
ryan is, as always, my rock. i'm worthless when it comes to anything other than sleeping, eating, and kissing on my lovies. i tried to do some laundry the other day when i got home and just didn't have the strength. like, didn't have the strength to fold clothes....that's how tired i am! he takes care of all the essential everyday survival basics in our house right now. he cleans up after me when i leave my clothes in a heap on the floor because i'm too exhausted to do anything else. he rescues a cereal bowl from my hands because he can see in my eyes that i just can't deal with making the trek to the kitchen to put it in the wash. he tucks me in and kisses me good morning. he pep talks me as we do emma's "night night" routine while i get ready for work. he works hard at work AND at home. what a stud.

just as a sidenote, i did NOT take this picture. no pregnant roof climbing for me, thank you. isn't he handsome though?

emma is astounding us with her vocabulary. she says new things everyday that literally leave ryan and i saying "did she just say that?" it's so much fun to watch her little sponge brain soak up the world around her. she's very into giving "besos" (the spanish word for kisses). she'll call for me or ryan and then march on over and plant a big wet one. i adore these. she's very into dancing and loves music. THE thing to do in the murphy house at night is...and i'm not kidding...a toddler tunes dance party in the living room after emma finishes her "din din". she hops down from her chair, reaches out for our hands, and leads us towards the living room to boogie! and she'll tell you when it's time for bed {although we tell her if she doesn't tell us ;) } as she marches off to her room with her blanket proclaiming "nigh nigh".

here i am after just getting home looking SUPER glamorous.  but, i don't go to sleep without my hugs and "besos"!

i'm working on not giving in to her so much. ryan pointed out tonight that i always give her what she wants. if she reaches for something and indicates that she wants it, i usually give in....i guess to avoid a meltdown. he pointed out "If you keep doing that, someday you're going to be that mom in the middle of publix with a child laying limp and screaming on the ground because you won't give her a candybar." that made me laugh so hard. i hate when he's right ;) {it's so hard to say no to that face though....ah! c'mon lady, get it together!}

ohhhh how i'm looking forward to saturday....when i come home, i'm DONE with nights.  good thing too because if it wasn't a moment sooner....I'D be that kid laying limp on the floor screaming!  i'm pretty sure emma would give me what i want.....snuggles....and a few extra hours of sleep! ;)

funny faces :)

Thursday, June 23, 2011 | | 0 comments
the one thing about a nightfloat rotation that i'm grateful for {yea, there IS one}is that i'm still there to see emma off to school in the morning and i get to pick her up early every day from daycare.  the look on her face when i pop my head into her classroom just melts my heart every time.  she and her girlfriends are usually engaged in some kind of deep and meaningful baby conversation while they play on the inside climbing gym....and i usually stand still and silent watching them play for a few moments (while i wonder JUST what they are talking about!)....and suddenly she catches a glimpse of me.  first the face is a surprised one, like she's been caught doing something she shouldn't {and lord knows she knows THAT face well!}....and then a HUGE smile spreads across her little chubby face enough to melt me into a dribbly pool of mommy love.  she gets me every time.

it looks a little something like this....

she and i spend the afternoon playing and laughing and enjoying simple moments together. some days i feel guilty for my work....guilty that my hours are so long and i'm so exhausted when i get home.  its been something i've struggled with for a long time...and something i know i'll always have to grapple.  but, my love for her doesn't need to be defended and i can see in her eyes how much she feels that love and loves me in return.  and i believe that i am a better role model and mother to her for my ability to also serve others as a part of my work.  that being said, she will always be my top priority....and i live for our snuggles and everyday moments :) doesn't ever get easy to be away from this little sugar plum.  ever. thankfully i have some time off in the next couple of days to recuperate and catch up on snuggles and bedtime stories and this rotation will be over by the end of next week.

in some of my down time at night, i catch up on emails and what's going on in the world.  i have my kindle so i'm flying through books...its SO FUN to read for fun again!!!!!! ryan and i have started talking about our 5 year anniversary, too. it's a ways away....we celebrate our 3rd this october...but we've always said that we want to do something fabulous. we've talked about greece or italy....both places i've been and adore. greece is quite possibly my favorite place on earth and i can't wait to experience it with ryan.  by the time we celebrate 3 years of marriage we will have already had two children!! i'll still be a fellow when we celebrate year 5 so we thought about waiting for these big ticket trips for when we have more money to comfortably afford them.  you can certainly do those trips on a budget....but we don't really want to! when we go, we want to go all out.

then entered Napa Valley. we both loved that idea and it quickly moved to the top of our list. so, i've spent a bit of time starting to investigate..... :) for anyone who has been, i'd love suggestions!!!

baby ben is getting bigger by the day!

How Far Along: 22 weeks!

Size of baby:  baby ben is the size of a small doll and weighs in at 1b!!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 14 pounds!holy moly!

Maternity Clothes: bring on the maternity pants and sundresses!! still wearing my old tops but those elastic waistbands and flowy dresses are my best friend these days :) i'm getting alot of use out of simple tanks from Target.

Gender: it's a boy!!!! Benjamin Ryan Murphy, we can't wait to meet you!!!!

What I miss: sleeping on my belly! and i'm not even going to lie....a glass of red wine is going to taste really good come the end of october.

Cravings:citrus & total raisin bran. i'm wierd. oh and frozen yogurt, yes please!!!

Symptoms: heartburn! somehow ben is higher than emma was {aren't 2nd babies supposed to sit low??} and likes to kick.  nothing a little tums can't fix.

Best Moment this week: catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the gym.....i'm huge but i'm still moving....and still keeping up with my weights and cardio! i felt proud.  feeling my little man dance inside and buying him a few cute new outfits this week.  and, of course, his sisters obsession with helping me lotion up the belly. so cute!!!!

{sleepless nights}

Tuesday, June 21, 2011 | | 0 comments
i'm 3 days into a nightfloat rotation and my days feel a little off kilter as a result!  i'm working from 7pm to 7am which means everything is turned around and upside down. twelve hour shifts in the DAYtime are rough....this is even rougher!  strangely, i'm starting to adjust.  the rotation is only 2 weeks long so by the time i get fully adjusted, it'll be time to switch back to a day schedule. ha!

i look on the brightside and think....maybe these sleepless nights are practice for having a newborn at home again?? ;)

up until now, emma hasn't had one toy that she clings to or won't leave home without.  she's become more and more interested in her "dolly" lately and loves to drag blankets behind her and cuddle with them on the floor. it's so sweet.  she kisses her dolly and calls her baby.  its so cute to see this loving nurturing side of her at such a young age :)

its nearly impossible to try and convince this child that we need to stay inside because its TOO HOT!!! she is an outdoorsy kind of girl and loves to be outside.  playing on the back porch, usually in the pool, is a big part of our every day.  even when its 100 degrees out....

this afternoon i had my bathing suit on as we played outside.  emma took one look at me, lifted up her shirt, and started rubbing her belly. subtle. that's all i am these days....a big huge belly ;)

daddy came home and it was time for dinner. emma likes it when EVERYone sits at her table.  we're still working on keeping our tushies in the chair....right emma?? ;) someone likes to climb on the chair, on the table, and look out the window.  nothing like a little table climbing to really work up an appetite and make your parents really nervous!

emma's facial expressions keep us in stitches.  i have a video of her on my phone when she was 2 months old ~ making a series of ridiculous faces ~ that makes me laugh hysterically to this day whenever i watch it.  she is still a very expressive baby and likes to make silly faces....just like her daddy ;)

(this is the sign for "helicopter".  at baby gator, the kids often see the hospital helicopter landing on the roof so the teachers taught them this sign.  in this particular instance, emma heard a car outside and the noise prompted this sign)

emma...thats a CAR.  can you say CAR?  no mom....HELICOPTER!!!!!!!

we got her bathed and pj'd.  these days she is totally obsessed with lotion. i don't understand why or where this came from!  she gets lotioned up every morning and night....and this simple part of our routine has become quite the chore lately. emma usually wants to hold the bottle....squeeze the bottle...and of course lotion goes everywhere.  we are all bearers of very soft moisturized skin these days ;)

finally it was time to head to work :( i kissed my lovies and headed in. nights stink. i miss getting to put my sweet girl to bed. i miss sleeping next to my honey. i miss my bed and my pregnancy pillow.

despite all that, as i drove in, i couldn't help but smile.  with the windows down and music playing, a huge smile crept across my face.  life is beautiful and good. it's filled with love & health & many other blessings. and even sleep deprivation can't take that away ;)

for the dads in my life

Sunday, June 19, 2011 | | 0 comments
to this guy....who set bar high when it comes to amazing dads and continues to impress...

...and this guy, who is a wonderful father in law and co-creater of my most favorite man...

 ...THIS guy....who makes me fall in love again every single day as i watch him as a daddy...

fatherhood looks so good on all three of you. i love you more than words can say.

happy fathers day!!!!!

a match made in heaven!

Thursday, June 16, 2011 | | 0 comments
i'm so excited to announce that i was accepted to the UF Hematology/Oncology Fellowship Program!  i'll start in July 2012 and could not be happier!

i just landed my dream job. the one i've been working my whole life for.  and i could not be more excited about this professional excited, that despite the fact i feel supremely uncomfortable devoting a whole blog post to talking about myself and my career, i have to do it anyway.  just like the quote above says....
my decision to go to medical school was, oddly enough, borne out of a class i took in college called "spirituality in health".  we talked about the history of the practice of medicine and healing across many cultures and belief systems....and learned about the different ways in which people define and value the true meaning of health.  i knew after this class that a life spent in the pursuit of healing others, in whatever form, was for me.

i began medical school unsure of just what my future would hold.  i ultimately obtained my undergraduate degree in neurobiology, and as a part of that process had spent hours behind a lab bench engaged in biologically based research {i.e. nerd stuff!}.  after college i took a year off to move to D.C. and do more research at the National Institutes of Health. through that experience, i was given the unforgettable experience to see that research in action.  i worked in a rheumatology lab focused on understanding the pathogenesis of pompe’s disease, a rare but devastating disorder effecting mostly young children as those effected rarely live very long. i spent hours peering through a microscope that year. it was true “bench to bedside” - my mentor’s clinic literally doors away from the lab - and was the first time i had gotten to see the way in which the labwork i was doing actually affected the lives of patients. 

the disease became more than just a process, it had names, it had faces, it had a life filled with experiences and loved ones.   up until this point, while i truly love science {i'm a nerd like that}, something had been lacking.  i couldn’t verbalize it at the time or put my finger on exactly what was missing yet i could feel it nonetheless. but, with this new bench to bedside experience, i felt myself, for the first time, feeling passionate about the work i was doing and for the people whose lives i knew it mattered. 

i have always been attracted to the duality of both hard science and humanism that medicine embodies.  ever since that first day of "spirituality and health" i realized that these two very different sides interconnected in a very important way. i find this duality best practiced and expressed in medical specialties wherein what happens at the bedside is rooted in what happens at the bench but is made more real and more meaningful by the invaluable physician-patient relationship.  The opportunity to experience this first hand at the NIH opened my eyes to the reality that I can have both, I can be both.   

my first exposure to Hematology/Oncology came as a 3rd year medical student and at the time, despite my solid research background, i was more taken by the opportunity to be involved in very real and very difficult conversations with patients and their families.  to be welcomed into patients lives during a very sacred time ~ the diagnosis and treatment of a potentially terminal illness ~ is beautiful and spiritual to me in a way i may never be able to describe. i learned for the first time that healing does not always equate to cure, but that it is present even in those moments {and sometimes even more}.

as a senior medical student and especially as a senior resident, the realization that the crux of the ability to partake in these moments lies in the vast amount of basic science and clinical research being performed opened my eyes to the fact that the field truly embodies that duality that I strive for

so residency began and i had every intention of pursuing this career in accordance with what i felt deep in my gut. some refer to it as a calling. i say "i just knew".

and then emma was born and my life and heart suddenly expanded in a way i could never have never imagined. i became more than the person i knew before and it called into question whether or not i could truly be the wife, mother, friend, AND doctor i had always dreamed of being. my family and my marriage, both things i have fought very hard for, are my proudest accomplishments and the ones to which i will always put the most energy.  i hadn't prepared, because there is no way to do so, for how becoming a mother would change me.

so i put this career dream on the back burner and tried to convince myself that i didn't need it. i even tried to get out of my rotation on the heme/onc service this year...looking back, in a desperate attempt to avoid the reminder of how much i love it.  but, as "luck" would have it....i didn't get out of it. and all that i was "afraid of" happened. i was reminded. and i was graced with the presence of a young female attending who grabbed my by the shoulders and said, in no uncertain terms, "what the heck are you doing???".  she's young and beautiful, with two gorgeous young children, a happy marriage, fun hobbies {}......and she is AWESOME at what she does for a living.  her words and wisdom were just the inspiration i needed at just the right time.  a little divine intervention, if you will.   several other things fell miraculously into place and in two weeks time, i crammed together my application and submitted within just a few days of the deadline.  nothing has ever felt so crazy.....and right at the same my whole life.

opening my acceptance yesterday, i was flooded with a state of excited shock....and a state of calm.  everything i've worked for professionally for the past 20+ years culminates in this accomplishment. and it's not just about accomplishing a goal. it's about working hard for so long and being rewarded with the knowledge that you are going to get to do what you LOVE.  all i've ever wanted for myself career wise it to find something where i can make a positive difference in others people's lives while simultaneously loving my job.  and now.....i'm going to be an oncologist. i'm going to have my dream job.  nearly 3 years of marriage to my best friend, a beautiful baby girl and a healthy little man on the way (all of whom i'm going to be seeing A LOT more of now!!), and now this.

i don't think its possible to "have it all"....but i feel pretty darn close today ;) can you say PINCH ME???

and before i quit rambling. i have to say that i couldn't have done ANY of this {babies included ;) } without my wonderful ryan. he's the most supportive and unbelievable husband and friend that i could have ever asked for.  i love you, honey :) thank you for always standing by me, encouraging me, loving me.....we did it!

and thanks to my match day celebration team. i'm pretty sure i woke up with a food hangover this morning. but it was soooooo worth it. yum!

and as for you, little lady, MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!! :)

anxiously waiting.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011 | | 0 comments
we had the pleasure of seeing our little man on the big screen today.  he's as handsome as his daddy and as energetic as his sister!!

we got some neat photos of his face today {already cheesin' at the camera, what a ham!} and got to see him clapping his little hands and kicking his little feet {future soccer star??}

it never ceases to amaze me how much you can see with the ultrasound. i could look for hours!

ben is healthy, appears happy based on all his dancing skills.....and officially confirmed by the doctor today....definitely a boy :)

so while we continue to anxiously await his arrival in october, we are anxiously awaiting another big piece of news tomorrow.  i will find out whether or not i was accepted to the Hematology/Oncology fellowship program here at UF.  tonight feels a little bit like christmas eve....although without the guarantee that there will be a present in my inbox tomorrow! 

i'm positive that what is meant to be will be and hope things go my way tomorrow.  please keep me, and us, in your prayers!!!

kissy kissy

Sunday, June 12, 2011 | | 0 comments

one of the few times emma gets a little fussy is as bedtime rolls around.  can't say that i blame her since i'm chronically sleepy and get cranky when i'm tired too!  most nights aren't bad.....but every now and again....look out!

tonight was one of those nights.  emma found it pretty comical to smear lotion all over a mirror and all over her face and hair {after bathtime of course!}.  she spit her allergy medicine right out of her mouth and all over the floor. she screamed bloody murder when i rescued her from the electrical outlet that she had her eye on.

at times like these, there is only one thing that can fix the problem. sleep.  i know the feeling.  off we went to her bedroom for "night night".  it took a little persuasion and song singing but she finally started to wind down.

and then it happened.  as we sat snuggling in the chair....she finished her milk and put down her cup.  she looked right up at me, grabbed my face, and planted the biggest sweetest kiss right on my mouth.  and then she closed her eyes and went to sleep in my the sound of her mommy's heart melting.

have i mentioned lately how in love i am with this little one?

"May you touch fireflies and stars, dance with fairies, and talk to the man in the moon. May you grow up with love and gracious hearts and people who care. Welcome to the world, little one. It's been waiting for you."

~ xoxo ~

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