i dropped emma off at daycare....for her last day of "transition". she is moving up classes, something that is traditionally done when the kids are about a year old but because of space issues at her daycare has waited until now. this is met with a constellation of emotions from our vantage point. any parent with a child in daycare understands that while {i believe} it is is so wonderful and formative for them from a social and developmental standpoint....it's still damn hard to leave your precious child in someone else's hands. emma has been in her classroom since she was 7 weeks old. she has grown from a chubby stationary newborn to a bright ball of giggly twirly talkative energy in that classroom. she has been with the same teacher for that entire time....they know my emma through and through, maybe not as well as me and ryan, but well enough for me to trust them with her life. {granted, by the grace of god, her daycare is attached to the hospital so i am there at least once a day checking in on her like any good neurotic mother would} each day this week she has spent gradually more and more time in the new classroom and has been loving it. she's ready to move up....she's loving the "big kids" and the new environment....and today she will spend her first full day there.
i pulled into our driveway, put the car in park, and tears just started rolling down my face. i'm not sure why really...again, a constellation of emotions fueled, in part, by pregnancy hormones. this has been a big week in our famiy and it has flown by so fast that i haven't really been able to process it. the process of having her tubes put in was tough on us {easier on her!}!!! it's funny because in the grand scheme of things, it's such a minor little procedure that is going to afford such an improvement in quality of life for us all, but as a parent it was absolutely excruciating in a way i can't describe. to have to trust yourself that you're making the "right decision", to hand your child over, and to pray that everything goes well.....those words don't even begin to do the emotion justice. it was just exhausting. i had a stabbing headache by the end of the day from simply trying to be strong and keep it all together.
learning that we will have the absolute joy of raising a little boy yesterday was like the opposite of the emotions from the previous day! i had my hunches for a while that there was a little guy in there, but it was so exciting to confirm it. the outpouring from our friends and family was lovely and really appreciated. this entire experience, while certainly not as overwhelming as the first time, has been no less amazing. the first heartbeat, the first kick, and now this. it's also terrifying because, while i'm learning the ropes of being a new parent, i feel comfortable in being a mom to a girl. i don't know how to DO boy! that sounds silly as i type it out but it's the way i feel. i stood in the department store yesterday looking for boy clothes and just had no idea what to do ;) and not only having my emotions to sort through but to also have to make sure that we explain it right to emma, that she doesn't feel "replaced".....also a lot to process.
we have some of our favorite people in town this weekend and are planning to get together with them and a group of our closest friends. yet another set of emotions to draw upon. i am SO excited that my schedule this month allows for me to have the days set to a schedule I make....and my weekends free. i actually get to see my friends. this is something you normal people take for granted ;) in a busy life that makes room for my insane work schedule, raising a toddler, and fostering a marriage.....it has been my friendships, for the past 3 years, that have truly fallen to the wayside. very few of my friends have jobs quite like mine, a schedule like mine. i'm the friend that constantly can't be there because of work. i am ridiculously happy with what i know my training will afford me and my family someday very soon....both from an experience standpoint and a financial one.....but it hurts to know that your friends often expect that you won't be able to make it because of work. yuck.
thankfully, i have a small group of amazingly wonderful and understanding friends who despite my physical absence have stood by me through all of these moments. friends who put up with me and my crazy life. friends who i sometimes feel i don't deserve.....but who remind me what friendship is really and truly about because they are here anyway. my cup runneth over with gratitude and love. so, this weekend is really important and special to me....even though its super simple.
phew. so thanks to the culmination of all of those random scattered emotions...the tears poured out of me while i listened to some sappy song by the script. nothing like a little sentimental music to really push you over the edge! i promise i'm not going crazy. just needed to get that out. thank you blog for putting up with me while i did ;) i feel all better now.
emma: mom, you're weird...
...but i love you anyway.
thanks baby girl....mommy loves you times a bajillion and even more than that!
wishing you a fabulous friday and a weekend filled with fun :) between dinner with girlfriends, fun in the sun, family time, and a get together with our favorites.....i'm already grateful for this amazing weekend!
wishing you a fabulous friday and a weekend filled with fun :) between dinner with girlfriends, fun in the sun, family time, and a get together with our favorites.....i'm already grateful for this amazing weekend!
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