why? :: a very fair question

there has been a lot on my mind lately. clearly. i think we can all understand why. why....the statement, or question.....of the hour.

a lot of you have asked me, with inquisitive and honest intentions, why i chose to blog about what happened to me.  i'm a pretty private person...in the sense that i've always tended to have a small handful of intimate friendships as opposed to a long list of acquaintances.  i've never been good at small talk ~ i like really getting to know folks.  i don't really like talking on the phone, i'd much rather get together for coffee and catch up one on one. so naturally, the question has come up.  the question has also come up as to why, given that aformentioned tendency, i blog in general.  both very fair questions with good, although sort of abstract and personal answers :) turns out it's really not an easy or simple answer but i'll give it my best shot.

i've mentioned it before and i'll say it again. i believe things happen for a reason...and what happened to me on the seizure front is no different.  there are real medical, biologically based reasons no doubt. we may not fully understand what they are but somewhere these reasons exist. ones that my science brain feels comfortable with. it's nice to put things in a little box. ok,  check.

but, in my opinion, there are reasons beyond.  truthfully, i don't know exactly what they are.....did this happen so that i have more empathy and compassion for the patients' whose lives i'll impact when i tell them they have cancer, whose lives will be turned upside down and all around? did this happen so i can be more grateful for the folks i work with, the family i love so dear, the friends who hold me in their hearts like i hold them in mine? did this happen so that i can re-evaluate how well i'm living my own life and how well i'm creating a purpose-filled life for my children?  i don't pretend, by any stretch of the imagination, to have all the answers....but the first part of the answer to all of these questions is YES. and so much more.

the best way i can answer the question is this.  alongside the biomedical fascination i have with the disease process of cancer, there exists another even more palpable reason i am drawn to this profession, these people.  sometimes something magical happens within the confines of a terminal diagnosis.  beyond the sadness and tears, some of our patients develop an unbelievable sense of perspective about what truly matters in their life's journey.  life gets distilled down to its most meaningful parts. it's different for everyone but it's always inspiring and fascinating to watch, an honor to be able to share with them....and the only thing to be envied about a terminal diagnosis.   in some small way, i feel like i've been given the opportunity to experience a small sliver of that kind of clarity (thankfully without the scary diagnosis)....and that's why you will continue to hear me say that i am GRATEFUL that all of this has happened, is happening.

and so i share.  maybe it will help you see how lucky you are, too.

as for the blogging in general.....i do it so they can see.  so they can remember. {and truthfully, these day's, so I can remember, ha!}.  someday, with kids of their own...mine will be able to look back at all of this and understand.  they'll get why i took a million pictures. why i gave them "mommy love" every night. why i watched them sleep. why hearing their belly laughs made my heart literally pound in my chest.  they'll get it.  i want them to know me....who i was as a mommy of little babies, a young doctor starting out, a girl who married her best friend.  a girl who is in love with all three of them and our life together.

sharing these stories is for them. it's for me. for ryan. it is our story. and what is life if it is not about sharing your story?

you have loved well :: expressions of gratitude

my heart continues to overflow with gratitude.  one of the speakers at this sunday's church service spoke about mindfulness as it pertains to your personal spiritual practice ~ left us with the following question to carry with us through the week as a gauge of how well we were truly living :: "how well have you loved?"

well, my friends....you all have loved so very well.  beautifully well.  well enough that my heart {and brain} can feel every ounce of it and i am so SO thankful for all of your thoughts & prayers. you all blow me away.

from the flanegan/dobies clan. love you guys.

it's been a good week.  truly.  a seizure free one, too.  the last seizure i had was the one provoked at the hospital and i intend to keep it that way :)  i'll be perfectly honest when i say, the medication is taking some adjusting to.  we initially went way down and then went a smidge back up since i had an episode midweek that felt vaguely similar to one of those deja vu experiences but about 10,000 points down on the aura richter scale (if there is such a thing).  the medication makes me lightheaded sometimes and totally kills my appetite so i have no interest in food {a problem i have NEVER had}.  the combo of no food and the medication itself is just no good....so i'm learning how to balance all of that mostly by making myself eat even if it means setting a reminder on my phone.  the hardest thing for me is the also the hardest to come to grips with.....the baby juggle.  thats a broad term for the major multitasking it takes to have 2 kids.....especially 2 kids as close in age as ours.  don't get me wrong....it's doable and i manage....they are both fed and clean and as happy as ever. but it's noticeably more difficult in my head than i remember it being a few weeks ago.  it slowly improves on a daily basis and with the help of my honey and family i'm hopeful we'll get back to normal sometime soon.  for anyone who read last week....you'll appreciate that we went to target this weekend and i actually remember all the details ;) i may not have remembered everything on our list....but getting better nonetheless ;)

the search continues as to WHY this all happened and i'll keep you all posted as to what we learn in the coming weeks.  the scariest possibilities have been ruled out so i continue to focus on the positive in that :)

life goes on, thankfully.  i'll start "back to work" this week...thankfully from home as i am on a rotation that was originally planned for the end of june...."board review".  this is essentially time granted at the end of residency to study for our medicine lisencing boards which i'll sit for in august.  i've never been MORE glad that i've been studying for the past 6 months as i am right now.  i've already gone through all the material once and now its time for a quicker second pass to try and cement the concepts in.  may be a little more difficult given all that's gone on recently but i'm hopeful!

emma and ben haven't skipped a beat in the past week.  they, thanks to the swooping in of all the grandparents, continue to grace us all with squeals of delight, hysterical commentary, and constant motion.  ben's new favorite activity consists of grabbing my cheeks and trying to eat my face....i think it's his version of a mommy kiss and i am obsessed with it. my favorite comment this week came after i caught emma trying on some new clothes my mom had bought for me....a little retail therapy.....i said to her "oh emma, do you like mommy's new undies?"  her reply....with her hand on her hip....."ACtually mommy, these are MY undies".  i believe it was shakespeare who said "and though she be but little, she is fierce." clearly he was talking about my daughter. <3

hope everyone is enjoying a beautiful {albeit HOT} seis de mayo :) again....thank you THANK you all.  you are an amazing community and my little family and i are so honored and graced to call you friends.

now....i'm in need of some rest and family snuggles on this perfect afternoon.  this doctors' orders.

coming back to life :: an update

happy to report that i'm definitely feeling those brainwaves rewiring....more and more every day.  it's amazing what just a little extra electrical activity can do, y'all!  even just yesterday, i was having trouble remembering little details of the weekend....ok, maybe not little details....things like "we went to target this weekend?" or even plans i had made with my wonderful mother in law (i'm so sorry julie!! thank you for being patient with me...).  ouch.  but every day gets better....and noticeably so.....which is so very encouraging.

i met with my neurologist yesterday for our first post hospital visit ~ and a very encouraging one at that.  she's completely awesome and while i'd prefer to not be having seizures, i'm so grateful to be in her care. i wish i had an easy answer for all of this but i will try and explain what is going on as simply as we are able to understand it right now.  first things first, my brain is "beautiful".....her words, not mine.....so this doesn't count as bragging ;) ok well maybe just a little, ha!  all kidding aside, the take home point here is that there is nothing amiss structurally (read :: NO brain tumor).  i'll be honest when i say that while i don't remember much about my initial moments in the ER...i do have a crystal clear recollection of the thought "well, isn't this ironic. i'm about to start fellowship in hematology/oncology in 2 months and they are going to tell me i have a big brain tumor."  huge sigh of relief.  there was some swelling in the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for memory formation, which was reactive to having had the seizures.....and actually really REALLY interesting if you take into account 1) the deja vu feelings i was having beforehand and 2) the slowly improving problems with memory i've had after the fact. {see, i told you i was getting back to my old dorky self!}  that swelling will go away completely with time and there shouldn't be any residual problems.  she believes that my feelings of deja vu were an "aura" or sort of a pre-seizure warning.....which is actually kind of a blessing in the sense that more likely than not, should this ever happen again (and hopefully it won't!) i'll probably have a little forewarning.  but again, that's not going to be an issue, right brain?? ;)  she reduced my medication even more and this makes my body very happy.  the initial dose i was sent home on was just too much.....i felt swimmy and drunk and completely not myself.  part of that was just the recovery process but a lot of it was the medication.  i feel like me again on this new dose and that makes me happy!

now....as for an easy answer to WHY this is all going down....we don't have a good clear one right now.  what i can share is that she thinks that the seizures are metabolic in nature....meaning they are a reaction to an underlying metabolic issue.  i was born with a bizzare and otherwise uncharacterized problem in the way that my kidney's filter and absorb phosphorus.....one of the key elements for bone formation.  the metabolism of phosphorus is actually kind of complicated and related to the metabolism of calcium and vitamin D and WAY beyond what i'm going to get into on the blog (it's also boring...no offense to my budding endocrinology friends).  the point is that my phosphorus has always been low, i have a great doctor who takes care of me and watches it, and it's never ever given me any problems.  i took replacements as a little kid and we made the decision for me to take supplements during my pregnancies to ensure that both kids got all the nutrition they needed but otherwise it's been a non-entity in my life.  until now, maybe?  there was evidence of "metabolic bone disease" on my MRI....basically that my skull bones looked older than they should.....and my neurologist thinks that the easiest explanation (if there is one!) is that this is all somehow tied into this bizarre phosphorus problem i have. my kidney doctor actually saw me in the hospital and gave me IV phosphorus replacement.....and he is literally one of the most brilliant doctors i know.  he's nerdy and brilliant and has a detective's mind.....and is totally on the case ;)

in terms of the logistics....i can't drive for 6 months.  i'm not able to participate in rotations that require me to work overnights due to the concern that sleep deprivation did play some role and could increase my changes of having another seizure.  my program, both my current medicine program and my upcoming heme/onc program, know about what happened and have been supportive and uplifting.  i'm on schedule to finish on time and start my fellowship as planned ~ but have to promise to pay better attention to my body....staying hydrated, taking my vitamins, generally caring for myself.  any mom (and doctor!) will tell you that this is more difficult than it sounds ;)  that half marathon i was training for is now off the table for a while.....maybe even forever.  i can exercise but have to do so with a little more moderation and attention to my hydration. simple stuff, really.

now to the part where i get emotional.  my family blows me away.  i sort of fumble to come up with the words that actually convey how safe and loved they make me feel....everyday really....but especially in times like these.  i am overcome with gratitude and as i type the tears are streaming down my face.  it's overwhelming and beautiful and i am speechless.  my friends have rallied and reminded me what true friendship really is and have inspired me to be a better friend in return.  every single phonecall, every email, each text message....all your words of encouragement have meant the world to me.  the way the specialists went out of their way to see me in the hospital and the kindness the nurses showed to me.....it was all just so touching.  as i recover and travel through this time.....the sentiment i'm left with is a happy one.  i'm thankful for my health.  i'm thankful for the people i love and who love me. and i'm reminded how incredibly lucky i am in this life.

god works in mysterious ways, my friends.  i believe that sometimes things happen, big things like this, to serve as reminders.  that drama at work? that petty rift with a friend? none of it matters. none of it. life is too short to be anything but grateful.  out of a terrifying experience comes a sense of peace and i hope i can always remember the perspective this moment has given to me. here's to making all of my moments more purposeful and full of gratitude.

to my amazing family and dear friends....i love you more than you can ever know. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

time for a time out :: my seizure story

last friday was a game changer for me.  the day started like any other....up early and into the hustle and bustle of our daily life. getting the kids ready for school. pouring mugs of coffee. putting the finishing touches on my makeup in the work parking lot. busy but loving it!  i had been on wards for the two weeks previous and had been working with a really great team.  something about that day was different, though.  throughout the day....i had several incredibly intense deja vu type experiences.  quite bizzare because while i've had them before, multiple deja vu experiences in one day is certainly not typical for me.  and they were powerful....each one made me sit down and take a few deep breaths.  at one point, our case manager even took off to go get me some water because he could see that i wasn't feeling quite right.  the days work came to an end and i headed home.  the evening routine was filled with giggles and cuddles and its usual fodder.  i woke around 4 to feed ben, a little earlier than usual....but he snarfed his bottle down and went easily back to sleep.  as i climbed back into my own bed and snuggled up to ryan....i was hit, once again, by what i can only describe as a deja vu so intense i had to catch my breath for a second.  and that was it.

the next 48 hours exist in fragments in my mind and i keep making my loved one tell the stories over and over.  i remember the ambulance and the paramedics standing over me in my bedroom. i remember being annoyed that they were making me get out of my warm bed. i remember ryan saying "babe, you had a seizure" and replying in near disgust "no i didn't!".  i remember the paramedics asking me silly questions...."what year is it?", "what city is this"....and digging deep but truly not being able to come up with an answer.  i remember arriving in the ER to the surprised faces of many of my coworkers and friends. this time, it was one of them that was rolling into the bay on a stretcher and it was a little unsettling for us all.  everyone was amazing to me. truly amazing.  one of UF's leading epileptologists (seizure docs) was boarding a plane that morning for an out of town conference but she came to see me in the ER first.  doctor friends, not wanting to pry but seeing my name on the ER board, sent texts of support and well wishes.  my friends rallied and i just felt loved.  i don't remember too much thanks to the sedating meds they gave me....but i remember feeling safe and loved.  i had another grand mal seizure in the emergency department thanks to a provocative maneuver the physicians had me do.....believe it or not on purpose. it was recorded on video but also on EEG (basically an electrical recording of my brainwaves) so this is helpful in determining why this is all happening.  i had a CT and MRI of my brain....and thankfully there is nothing wrong up there (insert bad joke here!).  they also sampled the fluid from around my spinal column to look for signs of infection and there was none. i spent the night in the combined neurology/neurosurgery ICU.

we still aren't entirely sure the cause of all of this.  as of right now, the doctors are saying "sleep deprivation" although i find this really hard to believe since i'm no more sleep deprived than i've been for the past 3 years. i've been home for the past few days waking up from the post seizure fog and adjusting to the medication i now have to take.  i can't drive for 6 months and i'm still washing the paste from the EEG leads out of my hair.  but i'm surrounded by love and support and a million reasons why i'm the the luckiest girl around.  i'll see my neurologist in clinic tomorrow to rattle through the laundry list of questions i have....can i exercise? do i have to take meds forever? do i have epilepsy? etc...

thanks for all your well wishes and support during this "interesting" time. i promise to keep you all posted.

after the EEG leads all came out....lookin good!

multitasking! ;)

get far by sitting still

i tend to jump into things. i'm struck with an idea, a motivation....and i dive headfirst. like many, i really enjoy crossing things off my to do list. it's easy for me to let something become all consuming.  my journey to a half marathon was no different. i conjured up this idea in my head one day and immediately spent a good hour furiously researching training programs, upcoming races, the best running gear.  since that time it's been full speed ahead....and to be completely honest, my training so far has changed me. running ~ something that i've never been particularly good at ~ has become like therapy for me. addictive therapy...that's healthy right? ;) my body is changing but more importantly and more inspiring is the way that running is impacting what's on the inside.  depending on the day its anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half of meditation on foot. i put everything else aside and i go....one foot in front of the other. the wind hits my face (and in the case of a few weeks back, the rain drenches my body!) and there isn't anything rattling around in this brain of mine. it's quiet upstairs....and this is good.


i've learned more about the lengths to which i can push myself physically in the past few weeks than i have in a long time. after all, after 2 kids my body moves and works in a different kind of way. not good or bad, just different. i'm learning to respect it in a way i never have before. i've learned that while it's good to push....there is also a place for rest.  last week my body was feeling the effects of an intense training schedule and i decided after a suggestion from a friend to take the entire week off.  it felt wierd but when i came back to it after a week away....i ran my personal best run.  like....ever.  6 miles. how crazy is that?

funny to think that sometimes, the way to get the farthest is to just sit still.

i notice the benefit of taking a break in other areas of my life.  i've been studying my tail off for my medicine boards in august and just hit a wall last week.  one of my good friends said the most obvious yet elusive thing...."why don't you just take a week off?". and i did. and it's been awesome.  i'll open the books again tomorrow and see if i can start working on another personal best ;)
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i've noticed that my re-entrance to the facebook world has taken me away from the blog and i don't like this.  i post pictures there rather than here and i don't make time for the words i so love to share.  while i do think its a fun avenue if nothing else to keep up with folks you don't see everyday....i'm contemplating shutting my account down again in an effort to simplify and focus my attention elsewhere.  i'm a self admitted facebook junkie and i think it might be time for a break up.

while we weren't looking, this little handsome man turned 6 months old. half a year already. you never get used to the way time flies as a parent and this is no different. i say this all the time but he is just the most phenomenal little guy.  such a sweet temperament with a big heart with love for snuggles.  he's a great sleeper and a great eater and watching his little personality shine through more and more each day is such a blessing in our murphy life.  he loves his bouncer more than life itself and will fill the house with squeals and shouts of glee while he's in it.  like any little boy, he loves to grab toys and bang them together. we are in major teething mode around here....no pearly whites yet....but they sure are coming! ben's first easter basket was full to the brim of teething toys :)  and i think we may have a future NBA or NFL player on our hands.  he is off the charts for weight (22.4lb) and height (i don't remember the exact measurement at the moment!) and doesn't appear to be slowing down any time soon.

little big man, there are no words for my love for you.  being your mom is just the most wonderful gift.

emma continues to be quite the ham! i didn't realize that my child was such a party animal.  we went to the wedding of sara and craig (sara's sister elisa is my oldest dearest friend) last night and she partied like a rock star.  we brought her on the dance floor and she went WILD!!!

she's definitely a two year old and learning who she is! but she's so much fun.  constantly full of the most hysterical commentary....it's so much fun actually having a conversation with her and hearing where her little mind goes.  she's quite into dress up, reading books, and as you can see below....getting into mommy's makeup.

my mischevious little monkey!  she's smart as a whip, this one.  i've started a journal of "the things she says" to give to her when she is older.  the pages are quickly filling with lots of comments that keep us in stitches.  for example.....while watching me changing ben's diaper the other day, she grabbed my leg and said "look mommy! ben has a little peanut!".  ryan and i just about died.

hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.  i'm hoping to refocus myself and be more present on this blog doing what i love best....sharing funny thoughts, family pictures, and documenting our everyday journey.  thanks for being patient with me while i do just that!

xom

backyard bistro

we took advantage of the beautiful gainesville weather a few evenings ago and took dinner onto the back porch.  emma burned off the last bit of her day's energy as she flitted busily between the table and her outdoor toys, ben bounced happily in his bouncer with a pillow beneath his feet for cushion, and ryan and i enjoyed the evening calm of a lightly cool air and the soft dusk light.  it was almost ethereal out there and i plan on doing quite a bit more of outdoor dining in the coming days.

saturday snippets

happy weekend!! it's an amazingly beautiful easter weekend here in gainesville and we are sipping our coffee, eating our breakfast, and gearing up for some family fun!  

random thoughts and happenings around these parts ....

~ potty training is in FULL swing.  much of this is due to the girls at daycare working very hard with her during the day.  she goes to school in a pull-up and after breakfast goes right into big girl panties.  she's had a few accidents here and there but 90% of the time, she stays dry all day long.  when it's time to go home, back into a pullup to avoid accidents in the car.  we haven't been as diligent with her at home on the weekends ~ potty training is actually hard work, you have to stay pretty diligent in asking about her potty needs ~ but we're trying to be better.  you can tell she is SO proud of herself.  the only "downside" is that she really doesn't like being in a diaper anymore....so oftentimes i'll leave her for a few moments in her room and return to find her completely bottomless.  good bribe material if you ask me ;)

~ you know you've really hit full fledged parenthood when things like double strollers really get your excited.  we like to go on family walks in the evening and up until recently have been loading the kids up in one stroller.  no big deal but a little cumbersome.  i came home from work a few days back, surprised to find a huge box on the front porch.   my sweet hubby had purchased the double stroller i had my eye on and kept it a secret from me!  i'm sure i sound like a lunatic but i'm so stinkin excited about this thing. it makes walks and getting around SO much easier with 2....and let's be honest, we need ALL the help we can get!!

~ my husband is amazing. i'm so proud of him. just because :)

~ the little big man is almost 6 months old. i sat feeding him his evening bottle last night and was suddenly struck by how big he is, how fast time has flown, and just how in love with him i am.  my heart hurts a little to watch my little man growing so fast! i am certainly biased....but he is just the most amazing baby. he is remarkably happy....and remarkably hungry! he's 5 1/2 months old and wearing 12 month clothes....holy moly!!! he sleeps 12 hours a night, naps well, and is just the most cuddly flirty little thing.  the girls at daycare call him "ben-ben" and literally fight over him.  he makes eyes at them, bats those long lashes, and realllllly makes me nervous ;) he's sitting up, gnawing on everything, and loves watching his energetic sister. i can't say enough about this little one. i. LOVE. him. to pieces.

~ ryan and i have thought long and hard about the want and need to incorporate more spirituality into our daily lives....and especially into the lives of our children.  i grew up in the methodist church, and while my thoughts are right in line with many of the core values taught in that arena, ones like compassion for others, altruism, and loving kindness....there are other aspects of organized religion that are not very appealing to me.  i've never found my home amongst one religion or the other.  and while i'm not going to use this post to delve into my deeper feelings on the matter (that could take a while!), i do yearn for a spiritual community in my life.  i want my children to grow up with these ideas and values....primarily in our home but also reinforced by a greater community.  we were married by a young minister named Andy from the church that Ryan grew up in.  feeling this void, i reached out to him via email some months back.  he and his wife have 3 young children and i was curious about the best way to approach the feelings that i had.  amongst other things in his reply, i was struck by the quoted covenant of the church that he sent back to me...

We join as a spiritual community in this compact: To worship God, however known

To welcome into our church those of differing understanding and theological opinion,

to learn from our religious heritage yet to grow, by seeking new dimensions of truth,

To follow, even imperfectly, the way of Jesus in personal involvement with each other,

And, strengthened by this bond,to act in Christian concern for the welfare of all people.

what I am most drawn to in this compact is the open mindedness of this particular spiritual community. I find great hypocrisy in the way that some religious communities preach about love and understanding while practicing hatred and "judgementalism".  i don't want any part in that and i don't want my kids exposed to that kind of thought process.  i want them to learn about some of the stories in the bible, the torah, and more....and use the messages in those stories to teach them the values i described before.  

in addition to all of that, ryan and i are looking for our own piece of the puzzle. none of our close friends have children yet....and this is ok! we do feel lonely sometimes, though, because we don't have people we can talk to about the ups and downs of parenthood.  a small part of me hopes we can find some like minded young families to get to know :)

so we'll be going to church for the first time as a family tomorrow....easter sunday and also my mom's birthday!...and i'm really excited for this new journey.

~we've been lazily lounging around the house this morning :) both kids are now snoozing and i'm about to pop my headphones in and head out for a run in this amazing weather!  HAPPY WEEKEND!