i've been thinking alot lately {what's new} ~ maternity leave keeps me busy but also gives me lots of time to think. there aren't alot of heavy conversations going on at my place these days ~ ben isn't really one for small talk yet. i think about things big and small....mundane and abstract. i think about how to get myself organized as i start to make the transition back to work. how do i flip the switch from being in total mommy mode to funneling some of that energy into my patients and coworkers? to myself even or is that allowed? i did it once before yet it seems so foreign in this moment. how will i get back into the groove of the daily grind....and what will that daily grind look like as our routine is already in flux and is sure to change. i've already purchased a new planner because that sort of thing actually eases some of the anxiety about finding ways to make all of the things in my life fit into the day. as if. but, i'm thinking and working on revamping our and my daily schedule to maximize the fleeting moments.
i think about my children. my beautiful children. so young and so precious. can they sense that i feel frazzled. like i'm never organized enough. like the house isn't clean enough. that i love them so much i feel like my heart will explode. that i want so much for them. that i'm trying hard to balance all the things that make me who i am so i can be the best mommy for them? that i love watching them grow but also want to freeze frame my life right now....exactly where we are....so that they stay my babies forever. and they will....maybe not physically...but every mommy knows that your babies are always just that no matter how big they get.
i think about my husband and our life together. for all the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and chaos we have created....i've never been happier. we're exhausted and often take it out on one another...but i've never been happier to the core. this is the life i dreamed of. we have a lot of work to do in terms of carving out more time for our relationship as right now it seems a little swallowed in our responsibilities at home. but, there is no one i'd rather take this journey with.
i keep talking about balance like it's this thing i'm going to magically achieve, this place i'll suddenly arrive at. and the more i think and sit in this place of unbalance....i realize that "balance" isn't the destination but rather a way of living. it's not a static place to arrive but rather a dynamic, everchanging, ever shifting way of being. i'm learning how to better change and better shift to be more comfortable and balance all the twirling plates of my life....and i think i always will be.
lastly, i think about this blog and the direction in which i want it to go from here. it originally started as a way to document our family life and to create a memoir of sorts for us to look back at years from now. it has become an outlet for me, in ways i didn't realize that it would when i started. i find myself holding back or wondering what people, namely my children when they are old enough to read, will think. not sure why but i think it has to do with the natural insecurity felt when opening up, bearing my soul. but, that goes against what i want and the idea behind starting this blog in the first place. so...while the purpose still remains to document our life as a family...i'm going to spend more time sharing my thoughs and writing what's on my mind. i enjoy it immensely and it feels good....and facing that insecurity head on will be good for me :)
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