feeling faces : an exercise in emotion

i was raised by two psychologists.  imagine the dinner conversations we had growing up!  i always joke with people who i meet and know me well enough to learn about my upbringing that "nothing i've ever said has been taken for face value!".  it's not really true and despite the fact that i was often a guinea pig for my parents students in training ~ weschler intelligence scale for children, you ain't got nothin' on me ~ i had a decidedly "normal" childhood, whatever that means.  i love my folks and think they are awesome parents.

one of my favorite photo sets is a group of 4 photos my mom took of my friends and i in our front yard one hot summer day.  we had been running through the sprinkler and were taking a break on the lawn.  she grabbed her camera and asked us, all together, to make faces.  "give me your HAPPY face" she said.  next, "what does a SAD face look like?".  she went down the line having us express our emotions with our faces, snapping photos as she went.  those 4 photos to this day are perhaps some of my favorite of me as a kid.

i tried the same experiment with emma a few days ago.  we have become very familiar with her range of emotions and one of my favorite things about watching her grow is watching this personality bloom. from happy to sad, angry to surprised....we see them all pretty much on a daily basis.  she's getting pretty good at not only wearing her feelings on her face but also telling us, "mommy, i'm angry" or "mommy, that makes me happy" which is pretty awesome to boot.

without further ado, can you figure out how she's feeling?

surprised

angry

scared

happy

sad

silly

emma's not the only one with feelings around here.  her little brother is happy to share his too!

boys will be boys : weekend adventures

i grew up on a sort of idyllic street in a large neighborhood here in town.  our particular subdivision was, and still is, tree infested and lush in appearance.  the houses were set far back from the street with large expanses of front yard with more than enough space for children to run wild.  and run wild we did. my street was special for nearly every house was a home to a child just about my age.  memories of the fun we had, my little gang and me, are fuzzy these days but still punctuate my recollection of growing up.

i remember the adventures to the sinkhole just beyond the edge of our neighborhood.  the boys would use tree vines to careen to the bottom and then race each other to the top while the girls danced around the perimeter and threw leaves into the center....watching to see whose floated to the bottom the fastest. i remember cartwheels and somersaults on freshly cut grass, water balloon fights, and the smell of the grill as we were called in for dinnertime.

some of the memories are fuzzy. but one stands out. the one about a boy named josh.  i remember him as the wild member of the crew who could never sit still and always seemed to be doing something dangerous.  on the evening of this particular memory, we had gathered in the cul de sac at the end of the street.  between bicycles and hula hoops, jump ropes and super soakers....it was block party of sorts, filled with evening excitement and an energy that you could feel.  our parents were there as well and shared grown up conversation as we all squeezed out the last bits of the days energy.  i had just learned how to ride a bike without pedal brakes....a pink bike with a flowered seat and tassles on the handlebars.  josh decided that he wanted to give it a try and so i offered up my bike for a spin.  he climbed aboard and with the swarm of us behind him, took of confidently down the street.  it wasn't long before he was going fast....fast enough that despite his wild streak he sensed he should slow down.  only he didn't know how and was too scared to listen to explanations of how to do it as we ran beside him.   he lost control of the bike, flying over its pink-tasseled handle bars and landed face first on the concrete and slid to stop across his bare chest in the street.  that moment, the sound of his slide and the screams that followed, are etched into my brain. a trip to the ER, some stitches and lots of bandages later he was just fine.

it has not taken 25 years and motherhood to teach me that boys and girls are different.  i learned that the hard way having a brother who along with his friends found fun in putting firecrackers in mailboxes growing up. even watching my husband and his group of guy friends can easily illustrate the difference between them and the girls.  lets just say that smoking cigars, playing beer pong, and shooting guns in the woods will not be itinerary of "girls night" any time soon.

this weekend, benjamin waved his "Y" chromosome proudly and it landed us right smack in the ER first thing saturday morning.  like any boy would, he HATES having his diaper changed or his face wiped....both of which needed to be done after he woke up, early mind you.  as i laid him down to clean him up, he propelled himself off headfirst.  much like the experience with josh, it happened fast yet in slow motion all at the same time.  he was headed toward the ground with his head in the lead ~ my foot instinctively flipped him around and he landed flat on his back.  and then the screaming began. and continued for 2 straight hours. blood curdling ear piercing screams that would not stop no matter what we did.  cuddles, food, tylenol....he wasn't having any of it.  i tried to set him down and he just plopped on the ground, screaming louder.  ben is, as anyone who knows him will attest, just about the most loving an easygoing dude around so this behavior was really not like him at all....and truthfully quite scary.  so to the ER we went.

the screaming continued in the ER....so loudly that the head doctor met us in the triage area curious as to what was going on.  he screamed and flailed and wouldn't let anyone touch him.  not even enough to have a reasonable exam done.  after an initial discussion and exam....the doctors looked me square in the face and told me that based on the fact that they couldn't find any one place he was hurting coupled with the way he was acting....they were concerned for a "brain bleed" and that he was going to need a CT scan of his head.  NOT the relaxing saturday i had imagined.

me, the ER physician, and two nurses held him down to give him some some ibuprofen and 3 hours after the original fall he finally started to calm down a little.  they wheeled us to the CT scanner on his stretcher and by the time we got done with that, he was fast asleep in my arms.  after an hour nap, and news that the CT was completely normal, he woke up good as new. as if nothing had happened.  as if my heart hadn't been ripped out of my body and run over by a mack truck.  he asked for a "cacka mil" (cracker & milk) and went straight to flirting with the nurses.  after he was done eating, he insisted on doing laps around the nurses station and it wasn't long before we were being discharged with a clean bill of health and shoulder shrugs as the doctors and i were both left saying, "i have no idea what the problem was!".

take home message.  boys will be boys.  he spent the rest of the weekend bumping his head on things, opening cabinets and pulling things out, and sneaking into his sisters room to jump on her bed.  i pray that he will not be as wild as that boy named josh and that this will be the last of our ER visits. i see many a grey hair in my future if this behavior persists.

emma on the other hand, was quite content to do her gymnastics, dance to justin bieber (a new obsession), and "set up for a party" all weekend.  she emptied our hutch of all our stored paper products and set them up all over the house in anticipation of a party she had planned in her head.  we've been hosting so many festivities over here lately that she's getting the hang of this hostess thing already!

** photos courtesy of my iPhone since i'm so busy chasing these rascals i barely break out the dslr anymore.  someday. **

and then she was three : time flies when you're having fun

as i rocked him to sleep tonight, i lingered with ben a little longer than usual.  i rested my head on his and listened to his soft rhythmic breaths as he drifted off into a dreamland....one probably with lots of bananas and lots of colored balls ;)  i snuggled with him in his darkened room and held him tightly...trying to imprint all of the little details of the moment into my brain.   the way his bottom lip puckers when he sleeps, the way his chubby little fingers grasp mine, those soft sweet cheeks i love to kiss...

my babies are growing up and time seems to slip away before my eyes.  birthdays, like the one ben's big sister had this week, are cause for celebration.  major celebration if you ask my opinion.  but they also remind me just how quickly time flies and how badly i want to grab on to these moments....to soak them up and drink them in and never let them go.

emma claire turned three years old this friday.  she told me mid-week in no uncertain terms, "mommy i want a cinderella party!".  big shock there as she is all about pink and princessy things these days.  work has been so busy that i had put off the little details of the day until the week drew to a close. i had brainstormed in my head but hadn't committed to anything.  we literally put the party together in 12 hours.  total.  between trips to target, michaels, what have you....she got herself a princess party.  it was a little hodge podge and thrown together but it didn't matter.  surrounded by family and dear friends and lots of LOVE we celebrated this little lady of ours and all the wonder, joy, and excitement she brings to our lives.  the star gift of the day was a new pink yukelele (emma is a huge music fan and has been recently wowing us with her breakdancing skills) from our favorites, nina and nags.  she promptly named her yukelele "tookie" ("two"-"key").....the name flew out of her mouth so fast it was like she'd been planning for this moment all her life.  i love this kid.

as a side note, i learned that my husband is quite good at painting mason jars and that ribbon garlands take way longer to make than is reasonable.  and that if all else fails, there are always cupcakes. publix cupcakes.

emmabean, my sweet little thing....you shine so bright and have such a sweet gentle spirit.  your commentary on life keeps getting better and better and those wicked dance moves, well....you're gonna have to teach us a few steps pretty soon.  the way you love art, and music, and dress up....and your little brother....well, it's just more than we could ever ask for.  you are pure magic and at three years old, i can already see you are going very very far in life.  we love you more than all the stars.  happy birthday!

{thanks again to you, miss nina for your stellar photography skills.  seriously, i cried looking at some of the moments you captured}.

be.

i liken my life to a carnival exhibit sometimes....namely that one with the man (or woman in my case) who manages to balance bunches of spinning plates atop skinny teetering poles....dodging quickly between them, scrambling to keep them each from shattering on the ground below.  and somehow, someway....i manage to get the important things done.  plates break now and again but thats to be expected. i don't know how and i have no brilliant advice for the young medical student on my team who is now weeks into her first pregnancy and just shy of residency ~ much like i was 4 short yet far-away years ago.  sometimes i want to whisper, "you have no idea how hard this will be."

she has no idea how hard it will be.  the pressure, likely and admittedly mostly self imposed, of being a good mom, a doting wife, a close friend, a proficient physician....some days it seems insurmountable, to be truthful.  i wouldn't change one thing about my life but to call it easy, to say i'm not stressed most days, to pretend i don't wish the world would just slow down would be a lie.

in the wake of the craziness the end of the year decided to bring (seriously, the crazybusy train pulled up to my house and unloaded right in front), i've thought a lot about how i want 2013 to look for me and for my family.  i'm not a new years resolution type of person ~ especially not this year when i know that all making new rules for myself will bring is just more stress.

if you take the first letters of ben and emma's names you get the word "be".  just "be".  a single syllable two lettered word that says a lot to me about what i want for us this year.  the pace of life may not slow down any time soon but to try and be still more, even in those hectic moments, sounds pretty appealing at the moment.  to put down my camera and just soak up the moments, to really breathe them in.  to stop getting so jazzed about crossing things off my to do list.  to thank my husband more and be more open with my love for him.  to be more patient with my children, even in the crazy moments ~ remembering that they are little people with their own developing personalities with different needs and talents. to be a more present and less distracted friend. to stop placing unfair expectations of perfection on myself and to stop being so hard on the person inside. to just be.  plain and simple.

happy 2013, my friends.

the day the holiday stress came full circle

i have let the stress of the past week get the better of me.  i had a work week far busier than expected (and with the holiday i expected it to be really busy!) ~ full of very sick patients, difficult family conversations, and tons of paperwork to catch up on.  i'm working my butt off on a 90 minute educational talk that i'm delivering to my fellowship group a few short weeks from now ~ it's a difficult topic to cover and i really want it to go well.   santa is delivering a very large and quite impressive outdoor play structure....and the last few days have consisted of attempting to keep it secret while the grandpas have constructed this thing.  there are tarps covering our windows and i have NO idea how the kids aren't getting curious.  emma's birthday is coming up (the big 3!) and i'm hosting a baby shower the following week.

all of this has been bubbling under the surface for a while and i have physically felt the stress growing inside.

yesterday, sweet benjamin woke up with a swollen and red eye.  he seemed happy and cheerful ~ just like his usual self.  regardless, it worried us.  when he woke up from his mid morning nap, the redness and swelling had spread and was covering the entire right side of his face.  i was terrified and straight to the ER we went.  lots of poking, prodding, and dietary review later....the doctors think he likely had an allergic reaction to something.  what, i'm not sure....but we've been pumping benadryl into this kid like its going out of style.  i took him back in this morning after his sweet pediatrician (who i LOVE!) felt like she needed to see it too to make sure it wasn't a developing infection that could be quite serious.

it's just felt like one thing after the other.  when ben got sick yesterday....my cup just runneth over.  i've done it before and i'm sure i'll do it again.....the long therapeutic cry in the shower.  i'm not even sure what in particular i was crying about.....but it felt good to release all that pent up stress.

i'm not one of those people who has unrealistic ideas about creating a perfect picturesque holiday.  my needs are simple really.  family. friends. hugs. snuggles. if i'm lucky, a yummy meal (bacon wrapped, stuffed beef tenderloin?? a bauer family tradition).  and now, with that therapeutic cry out of the way....it's time to bask in the true beauty of the season, just in the nick of time.

so tonight, we'll don our new christmas pjs and drink hot chocolate in front of the fire.  we'll talk about gratitude and read the night before christmas.  we'll also talk about how much we love each other and how the thing we are most grateful for in this life is one another.  we'll say goodbye to mr. juke as he flies back to the north pole and ryan and i will say goodbye to mornings spent jumping frantically out of bed to hide him last minute ;)  we'll leave cookies for santa and prepare for the (hopefully!) squeals of joy the morning will bring.

merry christmas eve, my friends.  may we all be blessed with simple pleasures tonight, tomorrow, and all year long.

newtown, we will not forget you.

i've been struggling, searching, trying to find something eloquent to say about what happened last friday in newtown, ct.  the truth is, the fact that i can't find anything to say....well, that says it all.  there are no words for the pain....the chest-heaving, throat clenching pain....that we all feel in the wake of such an unimaginable day.  i am thankful for my own sweet babies every single day....but have been hugging them extra tightly lately.  i am grateful only for the fact that they are too young to understand what has happened and that i do not have to explain.

despite the horror, i have to continue to have faith in the good in the world.  the beauty i see in the eyes of my children. the fierce and indescribable love i have for them and the prayers of immense gratitude i say every day that god entrusted them to me.  i am their mother and they are my life's greatest joy.  this is my truth.  that love and that joy....it is what really matters.

to the families and community of newtown.  i think about you every day. we are all praying for you. we will not forget your sweet children. and we will not forget you.

{jennhopkinsphotography.com}

my trip to ASH : an unexpected reminder

i wrote this post earlier this week while i was home sick with the flu.....apparently i felt so bad i forgot to hit "publish".....

i'm home sick with the flu and while i should be sleeping, resting, taking it easy....i'm too hopped up on over the counter flu medicine to do any of that.  so i sit here, aching all over with skin that feels prickly ~ too warm to be covered in blankets yet stinging cold at the same time.  pity the fool.  the fool who thought the flu shot would actually work for me this time. thank goodness for sport beans because i'm pretty sure they are helping me feel better even if i can't train right now.

i returned home from a 4 day work conference in atlanta on monday (American Society of Hematology aka ASH).  despite my single room with a huge king bed and cloud-like down comforter, i still came back exhausted.  but i learned, and bonded, and ate some wonderfully delicious food.  one night in particular, a co-fellow and i were treated to a spectacular meal at woodfire grill (for any Top Chef fans...Kevin Gillespie's restaurant.  in a word...amazing).  it was dubbed the "women of hematology" dinner and we sat at a table with 5 women in particular who are doing great things with their lives.  they are hematologists, oncologists, mothers, wives, and friends.  they've been where we are and are paving the road ahead. a couple of them in particular are mentors to me and while i'm sure they tease me if they read this....they are the ones i look to in moments of uncertainty, the ones who inspire me, the ones i want to be like "when i grow up".  if you are reading this....you know who you are :)

the conference was attending by a massive amount of people and some of them are very highly regarded in their field.  from basic science researches to leaders of major clinical trials.  from industry executives, private practice physicians, and practitioners from academic medical institutions.  from folks with focus in benign hematology to those to perform bone marrow transplants for diseases like leukemia or lymphoma.  between educational sessions, scientific research presentations, to career development workshops and beyond....there was a lot of learning to be done! it was a very diverse bunch from all over the world and the nerd in me picked up on the energy, the excitement, and the passion for the field.

ryan played single dad for 4 days while i was gone and assumed all the responsibilities that this entails.  from diaper changes to rides to and from school.  from the breakfast table to goodnight tuck-ins.  a tough job....but one that he has mastered since he's pretty much the best dad ever!! we tried to facetime a few times but for one reason or another the reception was wierd in atlanta and it didn't work well....i bugged him constantly for pictures and missed them all so badly.

the take home message from this trip is simple really and not one that is new to me. i am a very tiny fish in a gigantic sea.  but i love what i do and i care deeply for the people i take care of.  i love my family even more than all of that and i know going forward from here i will grapple with sneers from colleagues when i leave early to attend a soccer game or a dance recital.  but i'll do right by my patients and the people i work with.  i'll do right by myself and the family and friends i love dearly.  i think any working mom wonders if you can possibly do all of this....even i question it some days.  it's hard, a daily challenge, and something i feel like fighting for. deep down inside i truly believe that it's possible.  to have your cake and eat it to.  to be all the things you want to be in your life.  to have your priorities straight.  it may not always (or ever) come easily....but nothing worth having ever does, right?

these truths aren't always self-evident and sometimes we all just need a little reminder of the things we knew deep inside.  sometimes these reminders come in strange and unexpected ways.  thank you, ASH, for being my reminder.