run away

the day before my seizure, i ran 8 miles. last night i ran 2.

8 miles was my personal best run. i had been training for a half marathon at disney in november and despite my previous disdain for running, i had really grown to love it. like many women my age {or in general?}, i have had an evolving relationship with exercise my whole life. i'll be honest when i say that in my teenage and college years, i exercised for vanity's sake. i've been plagued by a number on the scale and a size of pants. silly in retrospect but true in it's moment. as i grew older, my relationship with exercise....like many other relationships in my life....evolved substantially. having children has made me respect my body in an amazing way and view exercise through a completely different lens. now ~ exercise keeps my muscles strong and my mind clear. with an emphasis on the latter.

it is therapy for me, truly. and while prior to my lesson in half-marathon training i had never been a big fan of a long run....that changed drastically as i built myself up to 8 miles. i'm not an inherently good runner....i have to focus so hard on what i'm doing when i run that the rest of the world is shut out. it is literally probably the only "quiet time" i have in my life. if you know me you know that even when it's quiet in my house....it's usually not quiet in my head. to-do lists getting crossed off, emails getting sent, work or studying being done. multitask your heart out, my friends. {quieting my need for constant multitasking is yet another thing i'm trying to dial down....and another post entirely}.

one of the hardest things about having had my seizure scare, now that i'm adjusted to the medication, has been a psychological one. not being able to drive is a bug bummer on your independence....we all take for granted what actually goes into running a quick 10 minute errand. i have a great group of family and friends who dutifully take me places (including work!) but it's frustrating to have to plan 2 days in advance to run to the grocery store. makes me feel like a loser sometimes. just sayin. also, not knowing in a concrete fashion why all of this happened is frustrating at times. don't get me wrong....i'm ecstatic that there's no big reason (i.e. a tumor!) to explain what happened. but doctors often don't do well with the uncertain and inexplainable. case and point....me ;)

all of that inner angst and frustration over what is left in the wake of the seizure is there....and it's not going anywhere. i'll get through this time and get my freedom back. on a deeper level, i know that this moment is a golden opportunity to learn to deal with that angst and frustration in a way that will help me through whatever challenge life has for me next. and last night, with clearance from my awesome doctor, i turned back to my running shoes.

it was only 2 miles in the damp summer heat. the kind of wet heat that makes your hands sticky and the sweat drip down the back of your knees. but it was a therapeutic 2 miles, to that i can attest. it doesn't happen often....but every now and again, the answer to the problem at hand is to just run away.
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when all else fails....there are always my littles to cheer me up. and my hubby too :) here are a few snippets of our weekend...