we're back!

hi blog. i've missed you so.

what a month i've just had! january was, in a word, crazy...and not necessarily in a good way.  my rotation was very stressful and really took a toll on me in a way that i can't quite describe.  my good friends thought that it was because of the subject matter....caring for sick cancer patients CAN be depressing in moments but i aspire to BE an oncologist when i grow up so that part wasn't what was so difficult.  {for me, there is so much beauty in caring for people in their final moments or in the face of terminal illness that i feel honored to be a part of and gives me purpose and peace in my own life}. there were just tons of tiny things, most of them having to do with the medical system and some of the people i was forced to work with that, as i mentioned before, on their own would have just been a quick annoyance....but taken all together, over the span of an entire month were just overwhelming. my body suffered for it, my heart suffered for it, and i was working on average 14 hours a day.  that meant that there was NO time for the people and things in which i find solace after a long hard day.....

and then emma got sick. and then ryan and i got sick.  i think you get the picture.

just like everything in life though, there was a silver lining. i made new friends, bonded together by a difficult month.  i got the chance to care, once again, for a patient whom i know well having cared for him many times before.  he is young, 31 {i'm 28!}, and has widely metastatic cancer. he is actively dying and i fear the time is coming soon.  i spent my final hours on the rotation sitting with him, praying with him, and talking about his fears of death. he thanked me for the simple things...keeping him company, not being afraid to visit {i think people are particularly afraid of young people dying}, and just always being honest about what was going on.  we talked about his wife and how grateful he was for her support and how he worried how his death would effect her.  finally, we said goodbye.  we each looked at one another and said "see you soon!". but the moment was saturated with the understanding that we probably would not.  i left his room, rounded the corner, and the tears flowed...

it sounds horrible. but i was grateful for that moment. it meant alot to me. and it reminded me, yet again, that even after a long hard month, this job couldn't be a better fit.  

now i'm in recovery mode! and i'll be honest, its going to take a little bit!  but....i'm so excited to be back.  i've spent the last couple of days just soaking up my lovies. i've made it to the gym more in the past week than i have in the past 3 months, i'm planning therapy sessions in the form of crafts and cooking and can't wait to share them with you :)

for now, here are some update pics of the bean.  she is just such a burst of joy! her personality keeps us in stitches and i LOVE listening to her new words. she loves her "deda" {our dog, deja} and says "oh wow!" when she gets excited.  she knows "ball", "milk", "uh oh"....and unfortunately for us, has learned "no" as she vigorously shakes her head! what a little love. who loves to talk. and melts my heart.