vacation recharge

it felt so good to hear her voice again. it's been over eight months since we spoke, unheard of in the world of best friends.  but we picked up, just like we always do, right where we left off and managed to fill little gaps in the other's day that neither really realized were missing.  we talked about mommyhood alot, and how hard it is.  how stunningly beautiful but crazily difficult it is.  how no one really talks about the difficult part and how it felt good to confide in one another. how at 30 we feel sheer exhaustion draping heavily on our days....ones filled with the attempt to be more than is probably possible and beating ourselves up when we feel we fall short.  we laughed as we shared stories of our kids and the years past when, kids ourselves, we thought we "had it all figured out".  we talked about work a bit along with our sweet husbands and laughed aloud at the fact that while we are never far from one another's mind, we had actually gone eight straight months without speaking.  it felt so good to hear her voice again...and for 20 minutes, not feel so alone in my mommy role.  to realize that someone shares my same daily struggles.  to realize myself, and to help her realize as well, that we probably aren't screwing it all up as bad as we feel like we are.  an unspoken reminder that that even if we don't speak everyday or even for months on end, we will always be true friends.

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i've been on vacation for the past 2 weeks and have enjoyed every last minute.  i've needed each and every one of those moments to refill my sleep bank (as if that's going to last) and spend some much needed time with a person i have a really bad habit of ignoring....me.

we headed to a place we don't really "vacation"....cedar key....for the first weekend of my break.  my mom, who amongst all her other talents has this magical power called "always finding the coolest place to stay", booked this amazing house on the water that literally forced me into relaxation.  despite my soul's internal tendency to fight against this feeling (an area i really REALLY need to work on), this place made it impossible and i nearly instantaneously surrendered to the slow pace of life in this place.  the house was enormous with plenty of space for the kids to spread themselves out and run wild and the yard was filled with dozens of hundred year oaks dripping with spanish moss.  we spent our days there as lazily as possible....dips in the pool by the waterside, art projects in the sunlight streaming through floor to ceiling windows, riding the golf cart about town, jogging through the streets, and watching the sunset on the deck at night in a finale to each day i can only describe as perfection.  the cell phone reception was awful, the internet spotty, and there was only one (old school tube style) television in the whole house ~ again, perfection! the kids caught their first fish and watched prop airplanes take off from the tiny local airport with a fascination that can't quite be captured in words.  as usual, they make all of our hearts shine.

ryan and i headed to fort lauderdale without the kids the following weekend to visit and play with friends.  we talked for 5 uninterrupted hours on the way there and on the way back....longer than i think we've talked in one sitting since the kids were born.  this may sound like something simple, and it is, but it was wonderful.  my life is filled with everyday reminders of why i love and married this man but this time together, alone, was extra special.  speaking of best friends....what can I say? he's my lobster, my one and i am ever so lucky.  we reconnected in a major way, we "slept in", we played in the sun, and we caught up with friends.  and when all was said and done, we felt rested and we arrived home sunday desperate to be reunited with benjamin and emma.

i don't remember the last time i've felt this at peace in my heart.  this place of balance that i speak of so often....i think it is a fallacy.  and i think the moments i spend pining for it, wishing i could reach it are just moments lost.  the freedom of that realization has been the greatest gift i could give myself during this past two weeks.  the freedom to stop beating myself up over the fact that i'm not a perfect mom, i'm not a perfect anything, and i certainly don't have it all together.....it feels good.  in talking to my friend earlier this week i realize that i'm not alone.  we are all in this together.  sometimes things aren't OK and that's OK.

sometimes though, things are extraordinary and that's more than OK. icing on the cake.