goodbyes

on this second to last day of 2016, it feels like the right time to say goodbye.

goodbye to waiting for more time to try out that new hobby.  i can’t even begin to count the times that i’ve told myself, “….later, when i’m not so busy” when it comes to trying new things.  i’ve started to collect quite the list of things i’d like to do or places i’d like to go and an equally as long (if not longer) list of reasons why i can’t.  reasons 1-1000 are all “not enough time” and that has just suddenly become more ridiculous than i can stand any longer.  i'm not sure exactly what it is i’m waiting for or what magical tree this time is going to drop out of.  and so it’s time to say goodbye to this nonsense otherwise known as procrastination and dive in to more creative scheduling, come hell or high water. you may know i love to write but you may not know i love to sing. and i'm pretty sure i would love playing guitar if only i learned how. and so my 2017 will have all of these things in it, i am determined!

goodbye to the fear that i’m not enough.  confident enough to not care if accomplishing as much at work as the person next to me.  smart and strong enough to voice my true opinion or share my idea in that conversation.  loved enough to expect more out of my relationships; to pour more into the ones that fill me up and to finally say farewell to the ones that have run their course.  vulnerable enough to speak my truth.  and to ask for help more readily when i need it, when i’m bone tired and burned out and just need a minute for myself.  good enough to commit to making myself and my mental and physical health a real, true….not just a cute new years resolution…priority.  broken and brave enough to know how to find beauty in the every day pieces of my perfectly imperfect life.  honest enough to look at my life on a regular basis and make sure i'm doing the things i love and enjoy, not just getting by.  loving enough to live life presently and with open arms.  gracious enough to make a space for everyone at my table.  enough in all of the ways that matter.

goodbye to relying on social media so heavily to help maintain friendships.  this is a tough one.  see #1.  time is this thing that none of us have enough of and so these social media platforms make it so easy to seemingly keep in touch with people in our lives.  but what I want for myself in this year is to hold you, my friends, more tightly and to look you in the eyes.  i want to know the you behind the shiny Facebook posts; i want to hear about your vacation straight from your mouth and hear about how your children are growing up to be beautiful complicated little beings.  i want to share coffee and break bread and spend what little precious time we have talking about how work is hard and life is confusing and how did we get here anyway?  i miss these things and want more of them in the years to come.  please consider this an open invitation to call me, send me a message, text, email or otherwise communicate with me outside of the bizarre confines of social media. i would so love it.

goodbye to so many other things that simply don’t serve me anymore. it feels good to shed these heavy layers and leave them behind.

i’ve always loved the new year and this year is no different.  i like the symbolism of it all. the chance to re-evaluate how things have gone in the past 365 days and to turn a page and start anew.

and finally, on this last day of the year there is one more goodbye to say.  today feels like the right time to say goodbye to this blog.  this blog i love so much but have left vacant and lonely for so long. this blog that has housed my words as i've traveled through some seriously huge life moments. from getting married, to having emma and benjamin , to health scares, joining our amazing church, along with residency and fellowship.  add in family trips, every day moments and thousands upon thousands of pictures this place has been a treasure chest of sorts to me especially now as i look back.   i’ve wrestled with what to do with this space for a long time and finally arrived at this.   it wasn’t an easy decision but i know that it is the right one.  you won’t find me here but i’ve got something new in the works and promise to share when the time is just right.

Happiest New Year my dear friends.  may we all spend our moments of 2017 living engaged, present, full and meaningful lives.  three hundred and sixty five chances to leave the world better than we found it. ready...set...GO!

wild & free : this family of mine

the last few months of life have looked a little like how i feel when i've had 2 too many cups of coffee.  active and busy. all go and no stop. hectic but full of fun and some really meaningful events.

but now, finally, it's time to slow down and focus our energy on doing a whole lotta nothin' for a while.  just soaking one another in since, after all, thats really what i love doing best.  i love me a good slow summer.

this is an exciting season in our life with a lot of big, long awaited changes in the works. a new job, a new kindergartener, a new house to name a few....yet at the core we are, and always be, exactly the same.  full of love and crazy, crazy love.

i love this family of mine and called on a dear dear friend (Jenn Hopkins you are one amazing lady! we love you) to capture this special moment for us in one of the best ways i know possible...her beautiful pictures that somehow capture exactly who and where WE are in life.  she has a true and wonderful gift.

i'll let them do all the talking. (i wish i could show them ALL but i think i might shut down the internet!)  they will soon cover the walls of our new farmhouse and remind me that what i have right now is all i'll ever need.  i can't wait.

cap'n crunch & surf fishing : on a weekend beach adventure

just like every time we arrive at the beach, we rolled the windows down as we passed over the bridge and the comforting smell of salt water filled the car.  i caught ben's eye in the rearview mirror as he grinned mischievously and then shoved his open palmed hand out the window as if he were grasping to capture some of this precious air all for his own.  

we stopped at the grocery store to stock up on goodies for the weekend which sounds a lot easier than it truly was with two extremely excited and very impatient littles in tow.  truth be told, all any of us really wanted to do was sink our toes in the sand as quickly as possible.  but first this.  several meltdowns and a free cookie or two later we rounded the breakfast aisle.  ryan grabbed coffee (lots of it) while benjamin spied cereal ~ cap'n crunch to be exact.  "get the peanut butter kind. i used to eat that ALL the time when i was a kid. oh my god, that stuff is amazing!" ryan said.  i rolled my eyes and shot him a half smile half "what the hell?" look.  "babe, cmon. we are at the beach!" he was right and ben got his damn dessert disguised as cereal.  

we headed, windows down again, to the condo....hastily unloaded our things and hurried to the beach to catch the last few glimmers of daylight. this has always been my favorite time of day by the ocean...the light is warm and looks like one of emma's watercolors.  the sky seems to blend right into the sand and the world around is completely at peace for a few brief moments.  the whys, hows, what ifs and to dos slip away and all you can hear is the waves crashing and tumbling on the shore....and in this particular moment the sound of my littles shrieking with joy as they chased lone seagulls and jumped & danced in the evening waves.  

ryan and i stood there, on this same beach we used to sneak kisses on during high school spring break, hand in hand watching them play. and everything was perfect.

the entire weekend looked a lot like this and was full of memories old and new.  ryan helped the kids dig a bottomless hole and taught them the art of surf fishing while i sipped on a cocktail and took in the view.  note : 5 and 3 year olds don't have the patience for surf fishing and are much more interested in feeding cap'n crunch to annoying seagulls who then swarm and make surf fishing and beachside cocktail hour far less magical and relaxing than anticipated.  

emma and i talked about the merits of applying sunscreen to odd places like your scalp.  "mommy, that skin holds your brain in.  if it wasn't there your brain would fall out and you wouldn't have any more questions!"  i think she's on to something.  our conversations turned to love at one point and she told me that she was "in love" with me, daddy, ben, deja, henry, bus....and jesus.  she's definitely on to something, that one.

we watched the sunrise together this morning and had breakfast on the beach.  breakfast turned into biology class as we rescued shored starfish and watched periwinkles dig themselves new homes.  note: seagulls eat bacon. sort of wierd.

we wandered down to st. george street and watched a mock cannon fire-off the side of Castillo de San Marcos.  we were caught completely off guard when, in the midst of pencil rolling down the hills surrounding the fort, ben dropped trow and started to fire off his own little cannon.  he just peed right there in the middle of everything. no biggie, no shame whatsoever. except for his parents.  we were pretty ashamed.  yet ryan managed to overcome said shame to snap several photos of me floundering to cover up my peeing son and calm down his hysterical sister.  

oh man, weekends like this.  they are such a blend of old and new to me and i can feel the circle of life so vividly these days.  ryan has memories of beach days with his family as a little boy and it fills him up (and me too) sharing these moments with the kids.  from surf fishing to cap'n crunch eating...there's something about watching your children do the things you used to do that is just plain special. 

and when it comes to what i remember, i remember high school spring breaks ~ driving with the windows down and plotting to meet up with the man who is now my husband.  i remember those days like they were almost yesterday ~ and as we spend weekends making new memories like this weekend, i'm certain that i never imagined life would look this simply wonderful.  like the sand and the sky, the crazy moments and the sweet ones all blend right together and the result is something beautiful.