thirty love

my wonderful husband turned 30 years old today. it's pretty hard for be to believe especially when i think about the fact that this means that it was FIFTEEN years ago that we met....two high schoolers in the back of 10th grade algebra.  at that time, i remember thinking 30 was old....ha! what was i thinking?

in reality, 30 is pretty awesome. we spent the day out in the country with friends and family and toasted the birthday boy.  emma ran free and wild with the animals and old friends caught up with good stories and great laughs. there was time for the boys to shoot their boy toys (guns!) and (far far away) kite flying time for emma! the weather held up and except for a brisk wind, it was a pretty perfect day.  as night fell it was time for standard cookout fare and a bonfire.  i didn't once catch ryan without a huge grin on his face.....and that's what the whole day was about.

happy birthday, my love. you are the foundation of our family and the love of my life. thank you for all the ways in which you bring happy to those around you :)

XOXO,

M

ben spent most of the chilly day bundled up in blankets and being snuggled so i didn't get too many ones of him yesterday.  in lieu of that....here are some from this evening.  we were in the heart of a deep and meaningful conversation (as usual!) and he was just begging to have his photo taken. OH-KAAAAAY, if i haaaaave to ;)

playing catch up...

i've put in so many hours at work lately that i'm totally discombobulated (spell check??).  all year i've had my eye on february as a killer. and sure enough it's been one heck of a rough few weeks.  i worked 72 hours each of the last 2 weeks and then topped it off with a 30 hour overnight ICU call.  so, needless to say it is GLORIOUS to have a day off!  it's been hard on all of us....ryan, the kids, and me....and i'm so looking forward to the end of the month where my schedule will drastically lighten and life will be normal again.

i have a lot of mommy guilt about being away so much these past couple of weeks. the kids are resilient but i know they miss me....especially emma. she is at an age where she is very aware when i'm not around. when i'm home she clings to me and won't let me out of her sight.  it's nice to feel so wanted...but does make my heart hurt that she's missing me so much these days.  ryan has been such a superdad this month....taking on SO much responsibility in my absence.  we're almost done with this nonsense and we couldn't be more excited.

moms of little girls will probably understand the daily wardrobe struggles.  emma is a girly girl when it comes to her clothes.  she wants to pick things out these days and is pretty adamant about the choices the makes.  if she doesn't want to wear something it's going to take an act of God to make it happen.  i've developed some tricks to get her dressed more quickly but overall she is in charge when it comes to her daily outfits ;)  

last night, this is what she picked out.  leg warmers on her arms, striped leggings, and her princess nighty courtesy of glammy. pretty fashion forward i know. she really knows how to mix prints well. i wish i could say the same for myself ;)  rachel zoe, look out.

she insists on having her toes painted at all times.  when the paint wears off it's "mommy paint emma's toes please!".  love it!!

mister b turned 4 months old yesterday. there are no words for this magic little man.  he's the most smiley bubbly talkative little chubster i've ever laid my eyes on.  he melts me and makes my heart flutter.  he's still a big eater and we've started with a few solids already.  he still has no idea what is goig on when the spoon hits his mouth but is having fun trying to figure it out.  he's getting close to rolling over and is, on most occasions, sleeping through the night.  he sleeps with his arms out and is learning to soothe himself if he wakes in the night.  he drools like crazy these days and i can feel two little toothbuds about to pop out already! he continues to squeal and talk and smile like crazy....the girls at daycare call him "the flirt".  i just love him so much and am so thankful every day for the joy he has brought to our family.  emma adores him and not a day goes by where she doesn't ask to hold him or shower him with kisses.

emma is still a little firecracker.  she is constantly saying the funniest things.  our latest favorite is when she does something naughty....like steal her brothers pacifier for exampe....she says "emma making bad choices!".  to be fair, when she does something she is particularly proud of she's say "emma making good choices!" but we hear way more of the former than the latter. it's hysterical.  she likes to boss everyone around...."mommy sit down on emma's bed and read book!", "daddy put emma's hair in pony!....and my new favorite...."baby ben crawl now!".  HA!  i think the fact that she is so good with expressing what she wants and doesn't want saves us a lot in the way of tantrums.  but, as the photos above show...we still get a few of those too.

 ben loves his bouncer and we even gave him a shot in the walker the other day! he loved pushing himself backwards.  when you hold him on your lap he often tries to stand up....he likes being upright that's for sure! he studies emma like a hawk and i can tell he is itching to move!!

i have a grand day planned.  cleaning and laundry and exercise....honestly sounds pretty glamorous after the crazy work schedule i've had!  i'm getting a facial too so that is pretty fancy :)  ryan is taking off for orlando to take a portion of his general contractors license test so i'm gonna wrangle the munchkins tonight on my own.  say your prayers for both of us!! :)

the mondays

in the spirit of monday morning, i'm taking a hint from one of my favorite blogs {the daybook} and playing a little game i like to call "Awkward & Awesome". here we go.


Awkward:
~ that moment in the public bathroom when you are alone with another person. and that person won't stop humming even while on the toilet. you are wierd and you're tone deaf too.
~ emma's perfectly timed "mommy's getting naked!" as i'm getting in the shower....while ryan is on the phone. lord have mercy.
~ finding rogue crackers in your bed. thank you, bean, that is JUST what i wanted for breakfast.
~ my horrible tendency towards drying laundry again and again because i'm too lazy to just fold it already. baaad habit. must break.
~ trying to sneak a bite you know is really way too big....only to make eye contact with some random passer-by who then smirks. yea yea. mommy's hungry...so what?!

Awesome:
~ answering bean's request for "cuddle mommy in emma's bed". the two of us fit quite perfectly together in there covered by no less than 6 of her favorite pink fleece blankets, 2 pillows, and 3 stuffed animals. that girl....gets me every time :)
~ how awesomely hubby steps up and tends to the kids, me, our house, everything when i'm working crazy 12 hour days. aaaand cooks me dinner without me asking. how did i get so lucky?
~ setting goals on my saturday morning run and actually getting there....burning and breathless...but getting there all the same
~ the way dude smiles so hard when i kiss his cheeks. seriously little man, stop flirting so hard. no actually please don't.
~ zipping up my skinniest pre-prego jeans i swore on my life i'd never get into again. there may or may not be a mini muffin top action going on but it doesn't even matter....they're zipped!
~ the way ben looks at emma. and the way emma is so desperately in love with him. melt my mommy heart.

Happy Monday! May it be minimally awkward and totally awesome!!

just what i needed

saturday was what i needed it to be.  i'll start with that.  and i'm feeling more like me again.  i think sitting inside {in the crazy ER no less} is driving me a bit insane and the feeling of the cold crisp air on my skin coupled with the company of my family is just what i needed.  i've got a serious case of senioritis as i anxiously await the end of residency in june and there isn't much to do about other than wait. and i'm a doer so this is hard for me.

but saturday was a start. i took a long hard literal look at myself in the mirror and and said "snap out of it".  i have a tendency to let long hours get the better of me and exhausting rotations engulf me in a way that i'm still trying to understand. i'm working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week right now and it's kicking my butt.  but...as with everything else in residency....the pain is only temporary.  and while i entered medical school and residency alike with a special kind of reserve set aside for all the long hours and sleepless nights....i sense that my "trust fund" is wearing thin.  i'm tired. and not just in the literal sense, but there's that too.  i'm tired of jumping through hoops, working ridiculous hours for a pay that should be considered criminal.  i'm ready to do what i've been working my whole life to do. i'm ready to have weekends with my family to explore and snuggle and tear apart the house. and while i know it's just a few months away....it's exactly that. a few months away. so close i can feel it yet far enough away to make it seem like forever.

but saturday was a start. and as always, my plans needed a little modification ;)  i fully intended to sleep in but WELL, ahem, two children who normally sleep so soundly and peacefully decided that 6:30 sounded like a great time to get the party started.  ha! we lounged and played for a long while and then packed up and headed to the botanical garden.  emma was happy and chatty in the backseat and ben was in on it too.  until, of course, we pull into the parking lot and i turn around to find them both completely passed out. go figure. it took us nearly 3 hours to get out of the house and they're dreaming as we put the car in park. so we headed home. i took off for a run.  the crystal blue skies and crisp air helped clear my head....and by the time i got home, the kids were up and ready for round 2 :)  we headed back to the gardens and enjoyed the scenery together.

it was a good day. i needed that :) and my little munchkins & my honey, as always, came to my rescue!

saying goodbye to autopilot

usually when i write, the words come. they flow easily and without much added thought. writing has long been therapy for me and i've always had an easier time expressing my truth in this way. for some reason, something about writing on a subject makes it more real, more tangible in my mind.  i'm not sure i'll ever really be able to explain why that is. lately, the words haven't come. i don't have any good explanation for it but i find myself doing a lot of backspacing and rewinding. i usually write at night after the kids are sleeping and is some of the only "me time" in my life.

 there exists a magical time in our house between the hours of 5 and 8.  it is in this time that the real beauty and chaos of our life exists in its most obvious form.  they are mundane real life moments...but magical ones. i typically do not answer phone calls, respond to emails or do anything other than soak up this sacred family time. emma usually spends dinner time "mixing it" and combing her food choices into one disastrously concocted stew that she quite enjoys. ryan and i exchange glances of downright disgust over some of the things she'll eat. chicken tenders in milk? ketchup on green beans? ben bounces happily on my lap or in ryan's and watches his big sister in awe.  bathtime surely follows as emma, while quite skilled with her fork and spoon, is not the neatest of eaters.  what she makes up for in her bubbly talkative personality she is surely lacking in her ability {or perhaps desire} to get food actually in her mouth.  ben snuggles and tells stories about his day.  then he usually spends a few quiet moments snoozing while emma uses the potty and climbs into the bath.  after the bath and diapers and pjs and stories and milk and "brush brush" it's time fill the kids with "mommy love"....a little ritual which really boils down to lots of kisses and leaves both kids giggling.  we tuck them in and say our goodnights and thank our lucky stars for these seemingly simple moments.

lately though, the words haven't come.  between 12 hour workdays and home life i've started to lose martina.  i don't feel quite like myself. i'm not exercising, i'm not trying new recipes, i'm not reading new books, i'm not writing....i'm not even taking pictures.  i'm a bit on autopilot right now and i think both me and my words are suffering.  i often feel guilty when i do things for myself but in this moment i don't think i have a choice....i think i have to start paying more attention to me or else this strange wordless autopilot place will win and i can't have it.  every moment of my life is so very valuable and i have to honor that.

so....tomorrow, i'm sleeping in. we're taking the kids to the botanical garden to play and picnic. and i'm bringing my camera. and my family and i are going to breathe it all in. i'm going to exercise outdoors and i'm going to cook a meal i've never cooked before. i'm going to fill my kids up with "mommy love" and i'm going to hug my husband tight.  i'm going to live and i'm going to say goodbye to the autopilot and ask that she never come back.

and then i'm going to write about it.  and something tells if i do these things...the words will come. and i'll feel like me again.

silent thursday: iphone photo dump

bursting at the seams with pictures of my everyday, i'm not sure what i'd do without my iphone. with over 4000 photos and counting, it's clear that i MIGHT have a problem. and issue. an addiction, if you will :) when i'm too tired for words, like tonight, i'll let the pictures do the talking.

wonderful weekend

its been a barren wasteland on the blog lately. i know i know. but, i'm here now and that's all that matters, right? right....

you know that feeling when you get a weekend off to spend with friends and "rest" and instead of "resting" you spend the whole weekend partying and come back way tired than you were before {as if that were even POSSIBLE??}?  yes?!? well, i do!

this weekend was amazing. we headed to south florida to watch our friends adam and lee get married. and boy oh boy did they get married!  ryan's mom and stepdad watched BOTH kids and afforded us the opportunity to spend time alone together and with some of our dear friends.  and while we should have been resting...we definitely weren't!!! the wedding and the weekend were so much fun....and save a disastrous trip to a random hair salon for updos {sounded like a good idea at the time!} and some horrendous traffic on the way home....totally perfect.  my whole body is STILL sore from all the dancing and i continue my quest to catch up on sleep. always a good sign where getaway weekends are concerned.

and what made it even better was coming home to these little smiling faces....

ah life is swell :) can't complain much about sleep deprivation when the causes are this cute. and that being said....little b is sleeping from 8:30-5:30/6:30 these days and emma is doing her usual 12+ hour stretch so i'm not really allowed to complain at all. ever.

sure was nice to get away but it sure is nice to be back.  and that is just a nice feeling all around :)