my everything : on being a mom

i have been a mother, officially, for 1581 days.  i don't pretend to have all the answers and certainly didn't read the official "how to" manual (hint: there isn't one!) prior to starting this journey.

but this much i know. i have never known a love like the love i feel for you, sweet emma and benjamin.  

the beautiful chaos that is our life right now....

...your music making, truck slamming, outfit creating, dirt LOVING, brownie baking, song singing, living room dancing, bathtub splashing, constant conversation having, peanut butter eating, bedtime story reading, make believing, belly laughing, playroom destroying, imperfectly perfect little selves. man oh man do i love you.

it wasn't that long ago that i brought you each home from the hospital...squishy and wiggly and completely and totally dependent on your daddy and me.  and look at you now.  you are becoming little people and i can only pray that i am doing you right in preparing you for what your beautiful little lives will bring.

i pray that someday you both understand fully, the immense joy that your lives have brought to us.  being a mom, a parent, is hard work...as cliche as it is, it's true and if you are a parent you know exactly what i'm talking about.  it's messy and complex.  maybe they mention that in the "how to" manual i didn't read.  but really, it is.  in ways you can't possibly prepare for and wouldn't know how to even if you realized it was coming.  

but for all its challenge and exhaustion, i want deepy to get up every day and do it over.  and over and over again.  time does weird things when you are a mom.  each day flies by and i find myself looking at the clock after getting the babes to bed wondering "how did that happen?".  i look at you both and wonder when exactly it was that you both turned in to teenagers.  ok not really but you get where i'm going with this.  "mommy, you're having a meltdown" actually came out of someone's mouth this weekend (and it wasn't ryan) who may have had their head cocked and a hand on their hip as these words were spoken. can we please just make the clock reverse already?

i just can't get enough of you both and i savor every last minute i have with you.  someday you won't want to be seen with me in public and you'll roll your eyes at me like true professionals.  benjamin, for the record...you often stop right in the middle of a tantrum and say, with eyes batting, "mommy i love you" in the sweetest voice i have ever heard.  someday you won't believe it but it's true.  emma, you do the same, oftentimes mid-bedtime story for no reason at all.  and it is in those moments...and so many others....that my heart just feels like it will burst.

for now, you are all mine....and i have the pictures to prove that you snuggle with me in the early morning hours, let me give you neck kisses until you have no more belly laughs to muster, and dance recklessly in the living room with me like there is no tomorrow.

truth be told, no matter how intense the eye rolling gets...i will never, ever, stop loving you. to the moon and back. and even more than that.

happy mothers day to all the moms in my life because i have some pretty shining star examples of what a mothers love is all about.  hugs and high fives to you for all that you do to make our world go round. 

professional photos via Jenn Hopkins Photography