breaking bad habits

first a bit of a back story....

ryan and i have a bad habit. a very bad habit. each and every time we start a {simple} home project, in inevitably blossoms into about 800 other home projects as well.  ask anyone who knows us.  i start mentioning to my girlfriends about a "little weekend project we have going on at the house" and get the raised brow. the silent "yea right" i'm so very accustomed to.  ryan's degree is in construction with a minor in perfectionism.  my degree is in medicine but with minors in multitasking, to-do list making, and biting off more than i can realistically chew.

what started as a {relatively} small project in the backyard....clearing out some landscaping in order to make way for a covered patio and a kids playspace.....has taken on a life of it's own. the kids indoor playroom is now in the works, drywall texturing has been sprayed, and the entire house is getting repainted (inside and out).  this sounds easy enough right?  wrong. factor in redecorating, new light fixtures, window treatments....OH and the fact that we have 2 rambunctious littles and 2 full time jobs.  ha!  and that i want all of this to be done by october 20, ben's first birthday. that too.

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some things never change.  as i look ahead at all the things we've got going on....i find myself just wanting to get things done and crossed off that forever growing list.  until i realize that that list is my life.  i've been reading a book on buddhism & motherhood....how the mindfulness teachings of buddhism can really be applied to motherhood to ensure you don't get wrapped up in that all too common fate.  and i'm trying really REALLY hard to work on my need to get things done, crossed off, tucked away. i've never been good at "living in the moment".  i'm a doer. it's in my blood and in large part why i've gotten where i've gotten in my life.  it serves me well.

but, in the quiet moments i secretly wish, and deeply so, that i could help myself slow down.  forget the to do list.  soak up a few moments of nothing.  enjoy more moments for what they are on their own rather than looking ahead to what they will be.  it dawned on me recently that part of the reason i take so many pictures is so that i can look back at my favorite life moments.  obvious but why not just live them now?

i was stopped dead in my tracks late one evening after my littles had gone to bed. i was playing on the computer waiting for ryan to come to bed when i happened upon this quote.


“Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach. T. Berry Brazelton. Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with ‘Goodnight Moon’ and ‘Where the Wild Things Are,’ they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories.” Then she goes on and talks about some of the mistakes she made while raising her babies. “…the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make…I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of [my children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4, and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.” --Anna Quindlen

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and that right there just about sums it up.  if there is no other reason to live in the moment, there is everything captured in that quote above. so this weekend, i reveled in every moment. the messy, sticky, silly moments. there was a major kids vs parents dance off to be had. we twirled. we danced in the rain. we had major "talk time" after several tantrums spun out of control. we cooked and cleaned with one another and answered questions that all started with "why...".  we snuggled and we {gasp} jumped on beds.  boy did i love each of those moments. even the not so nice ones.

i will continue to struggle with this thing. this "living in the moment" thing. it is my curse and one it think many of us working mom's bear.  but...i'll keep fighting the good fight.  day in and day out.  moment after messy beautiful life moment.

white {coat} wall

i am trying to be more consistent about sunday evening me time...specifically in the form of a run. nothing crazy or long. just a solid 30-45 minutes for me to run, clear my head, and reflect on the week past.  it's good for my body and even better for my soul.  i sweat profusely, especially in the august heat, and random thoughts flow through my mind...some worth pursuing and some more worthy of being left behind on the pavement.

here is what tonight's reflection brought me.
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when i first met her, she was sitting comfortably in a hospital bed surrounded by pieces of home. a picture of her with her mother. a small bag filled with nail polishes and a zebra print nail file. {girls notice these kinds of things}.  she was about my age and not particularly sick looking.  she was hospitalized because her immune system, already primed to attack itself, was now attacking her blood cells.  she was profoundly anemic and unable to provide enough oxygen to her vital tissues.  the simplest maneuver, walking from her bed to the window left her gasping for air.  this had gone on for weeks and she was tired.  things were, however, getting slowly better....and after a few days of getting to know her....we were able to give the thumbs up for her discharge.  she left the hospital with that blessing and also with a large pill bottle full of high dose steroids aimed at calming her body's sense to attack itself.

fast forward a month later, earlier this week, when i saw her back in clinic. she didn't look particularly different only now dressed in regular clothes.  i followed her into the exam room and we started to catch up.

"how have you been?" i asked. excited. hoping that the medicines had done the trick.  "ok, i guess."  she paused.  a long pause.  "just ok?" i said.  the pause continued and she lowered her glasses to rub her eye.  "honestly, doctor murphy....these medicines make me feel like shit."

now it was my turn to pause. a long pause that rivaled the one before.  before i could fully process all the thoughts running through my head....."i know exactly how you feel" is what came out.  she looked at me, seemingly puzzled and the corner of her mouth lowered ever so slightly.  "i'm just so tired all the time." she continued.  "i know my bloodwork is looking better but i feel awful. i feel like this defective human being who can't do anything for herself."

that word. defective. harsh in its sound and delivery yet a perfect choice. "i know exactly how you feel." i repeated, this time more sure.  she look at me with a furrowed brow and with a chuckle, said "how could you possibly know how i feel?"

it was a totally fair question.  one that she was fully entitled to.  even still it caught me by surprise and i fumbled for a second, not entirely sure of the right thing to say.  i told her briefly of my seizure and how i, too, took medicine daily that didn't always agree with me.  about the adjustment.  about the way living with a chronic medical problem effects my life.

"you have issues, too?" she asked, as if i had just told her i once flew to the moon.  {"loads of them" i giggled to myself}.  "yep. sure do. we ALL do no matter what it looks like. you are not in this alone."

then she said the most amazing thing.  "so underneath that fancy white coat, you're really just like me? damaged and imperfect but beautiful all the same?"

i literally fought back tears.  right there in the middle of clinic.  "exactly, my dear. exactly."

we are all damaged and imperfect. but beautiful all the same.

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speaking of beautiful....

it all boils down to this.

my internal medicine boards are made up of two hundred and forty multiple choice questions.

i know it is necessary for us all to be tested.  to try and distill down out of a partly intangible experience all the bits and pieces that we need to know, on paper and in daily practice.  let me be fair ~ a bulk of medicine is knowing and applying what we know as fact, and evidence based.

but how do you really test someone in the nuances, the subtleties, the art of being a good doctor?  that, my friends, takes a lifetime....and can't be captured in a multiple choice format.  in the end, it will be my patients that decide whether i pass or fail.

so i sit here on this quiet saturday morning, sipping my coffee and answering the last of my study questions, thumbing through the last of a few key concepts that my brain has yet to absorb.  my sweet littles are at the beach with their daddy and grandparents so i can bring closure on a 6 month binge of studying for this test, these 240 questions.  and i laugh to myself over the inherent irony of it all.

the countless hours spent....in the hospital, hovering over patients' bedsides.  the wisdom passed down by seasoned mentors and amazing clinical masters.  the sleepless nights. the piercing cry of my pager.  the hands held, the diagnoses delivered, and the perspective gained that life really is all too short and far too sweet to be taken for granted.

it all boils down to this yet i know there is so much MORE than this.  but here we go...monday morning, 8am. be there or be square.

best of luck to all my colleagues and friends also sitting for their boards this month.  we've come a long way, my friends.  {and have even farther on this great journey to go.} 

salt water :: a cure all

people ask me all the time..."how do you do what you do?"  dealing with illness, specifically cancer, weighs hard on the soul.  it's tough stuff....to that i will admit.  i see a lot of sad things.  i watch as families come to grips with the reality that the future will be shorter than they had imagined and that goodbye will come sooner than they had hoped.  a lot of the time, i'm able to find the beauty in those moments, despite their sadness...but sometimes it's much more difficult.  it's hard not to get emotionally involved and the day that i don't will be the day that i stop doing what i do....for i believe that part of that is what calls me here.  many a mentor has told me "this will be your greatest blessing AND your greatest curse."

each person is different and all of us in this field learn to deal with that balance, between getting involved yet remaining objective, in our own way.  no one can claim themselves an expert. it's an ebb and flow and some days are far better than others....

today was a tough day. i spent a fair portion of it holding the hand of a woman who's husband is dying of metastatic sarcoma, a form of soft tissue cancer.  she is my age and her husband just a few years older than ryan.  they are loving and kind and in the cancer world that is always a bad prognostic sign.

i find great truth in the following quote by isak denesen and feel it applies immensely to my life....

"the cure for anything is salt water. sweat, tears, or the ocean"

today, in particular, tears.  sometimes they are the only answer i have to give.  i cried with my patient's wife and it was therapeutic for us both.  she told stories of his life and it gave me pause to remember that i'm not just caring for a person in a stage of terminal illness....i'm caring for a whole life.  as strange as it may sound....that brings me peace on days when it's really hard to find.

for the sake of completion....i have been sweating {i.e. working out} lately and it has been doing wonders for my body and my head.  when i got home from work we worked on the ocean part too....more in the form of the pool (i.e murphy beach) but that will totally suffice today ;) the afternoon was filled with bright smiles, big splashes, and warm hugs from the folks i love the most....and for me, that is always the answer.

wishing you a wonderful week filled with all the things that bring you peace. even in the tough moments.

randomness abounds

disclaimer:: today's post will be entirely disjointed because i've been working like a lunatic lately.  bear with me for a few more days after which things will quiet down a bit. maybe for a minute ;)

exhibit a :: i'm nearly 3/4 of the way through my first month of fellowship and i am here to tell you that i have no idea where the past 3 weeks have gone!  there is a steep learning curve on this journey and i'm powering through and trying to keep my head screwed on straight while i do so.  there is so much to learn ~ more than is possible for in each day or each week and i am in constant "sponge mode".  it's tough work and there is pressure to perform.  but there is an overwhelming sense of support from our program directors, senior fellows, and the faculty in the department ~ they all have high expectations of us and are pushing us in order to see us grow into the kind of doctor you'd want for your own family member faced with the big C word....cancer. so while it's difficult, i'm grateful for that feeling and know i am blessed to be a part of such a special professional community.

exhibit b :: anyone who knows me well knows that i LOVE birthdays.  shoot, we celebrate "monthdays" around this house!  ben just turned 9 months old and i truly don't think you'll find a happier baby or a little man with such a loveable personality.  he is my little snuggler and loves a good chat....he's more talkative than any guy i've ever met and he just makes us so happy we could burst.  he is a BIG little dude....weighing in at 26 lbs a few weeks ago for an ear check.  he's not crawling just yet and is getting very VERY frustrated about it.  he spends about 85% of his day on his belly trying to figure it out and he's almost got it.....that big old belly of his is just getting in the way :) he loves to pull up on things and will stand and try and cruise.  he eats like a horse....clearly....and the only food he's ever turned away is broccoli.  he sleeps through the night and loves to cuddle up with this big blue elephant while he snoozes.  just like his sister he listens to enya through the night....neither one of my kids like an entirely quiet room, it's sort of funny.

exhibit c :: when things die down from the rotation i'm currently on (the toughest of our fellowship), ryan and i are planning some fun projects in the backyard along with the kitchen. i can't wait to document the process and share with you all.

exhibit d :: date nights with my hubby might be my favorite thing ever.  we got some respite the other night and headed to BJ's for dinner. to be honest, i'm really not a fan of the food there....but i am a fan of any free time with him i can get.  our 4 year anniversary is coming up and we're brainstorming over ideas of where to celebrate it.  california is on the top of the list at the moment with wine country, san francisco, and a california coast drive sounding pretty good at the moment!

exhibit e :: emma is my little smarty pants. our pediatrician says she's operating at the "over 3" level which is both awesome and scary at the same time. homegirl is smart....sometimes a little too smart for ryan and i ;) she's really taken to sticker charts so we've got them all over the house....she reponds well to that kind of reinforcement and has learned that when she is on good behavior she gets good treats....like shoes. her favorite. she's totally my kid.

and with that, i must go. my brain literally hurts from all i've been doing to it the last 3 weeks.  i'm truthfully a little humbled by all the responsibility and honored to be doing what i'm doing.  i'm thankful for such a supportive family and great group of friends.

loving life...

week one

with the first week of fellowship officially behind me....and more importantly, the second week hot on it's trails....i feel the need to share the following information.

being a heme/onc fellow is HARD.  physically and emotionally.  one night i even fell asleep in bed with my work clothes on....that's how beat i was.  my residency gave me the medical knowledge to do the very very basics of this job, but nothing prepared me for this.  a structure oriented, chronically overprepared, and organization junkie {when it comes to my work, at least}....i got a crash course in flying by the seat of my pants this week.  i have a feeling there is more of this to come. lord help me.

people are really truly resilient, myself included.

my family has the magical ability to make any day, no matter how catastrophically awful {and i had one of those this first week}, instantaneously better.

having weekends off, something i have not had in years, is one of the best things on earth.  seriously.

coffee is nectar of the gods. as if you didn't already know that.

i really really really love my job.  i'm still learning which way is up, which way is down, and certainly trying to get my bearings.  but i can say, wholeheartedly and unabashedly, that this is totally what i was meant to be doing with my life.  and that, my friends, is a damn good feeling.

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as i sat with benjamin this weekend, his sister napping, i saw great symbolism in watching his earnest attempts at crawling.  he's soooooo desperately close....and sooooo desperately frustrated.  he rocks on those chubby hands and knees....with a single arm outstretched for whatever object he happens to have those big baby blues on.  gravity fails him just at the last moment....his round belly cushioning his fall....and he grunts in aggravation.  this cycle continues over and over....each time he manages to move a big closer to his prize....with a huge grin on his face.

and so too will the next 3 years be with me.  one step {or crawl} at a time.

i think i can.....

benjamin ryan. 8 months old. heartbreaker extraordinaire.

run away

the day before my seizure, i ran 8 miles. last night i ran 2.

8 miles was my personal best run. i had been training for a half marathon at disney in november and despite my previous disdain for running, i had really grown to love it.  like many women my age {or in general?}, i have had an evolving relationship with exercise my whole life.  i'll be honest when i say that in my teenage and college years, i exercised for vanity's sake.  i've been plagued by a number on the scale and a size of pants. silly in retrospect but true in it's moment. as i grew older, my relationship with exercise....like many other relationships in my life....evolved substantially.  having children has made me respect my body in an amazing way and view exercise through a completely different lens.  now ~ exercise keeps my muscles strong and my mind clear.  with an emphasis on the latter.

it is therapy for me, truly.  and while prior to my lesson in half-marathon training i had never been a big fan of a long run....that changed drastically as i built myself up to 8 miles.  i'm not an inherently good runner....i have to focus so hard on what i'm doing when i run that the rest of the world is shut out. it is literally probably the only "quiet time" i have in my life.  if you know me you know that even when it's quiet in my house....it's usually not quiet in my head. to-do lists getting crossed off, emails getting sent, work or studying being done.  multitask your heart out, my friends.  {quieting my need for constant multitasking is yet another thing i'm trying to dial down....and another post entirely}.

one of the hardest things about having had my seizure scare, now that i'm adjusted to the medication, has been a psychological one.  not being able to drive is a bug bummer on your independence....we all take for granted what actually goes into running a quick 10 minute errand.  i have a great group of family and friends who dutifully take me places (including work!) but it's frustrating to have to plan 2 days in advance to run to the grocery store.  makes me feel like a loser sometimes. just sayin.  also, not knowing in a concrete fashion why all of this happened is frustrating at times.  don't get me wrong....i'm ecstatic that there's no big reason (i.e. a tumor!) to explain what happened. but doctors often don't do well with the uncertain and inexplainable. case and point....me ;)

all of that inner angst and frustration over what is left in the wake of the seizure is there....and it's not going anywhere.  i'll get through this time and get my freedom back.  on a deeper level, i know that this moment is a golden opportunity to learn to deal with that angst and frustration in a way that will help me through whatever challenge life has for me next.  and last night, with clearance from my awesome doctor, i turned back to my running shoes.

it was only 2 miles in the damp summer heat. the kind of wet heat that makes your hands sticky and the sweat drip down the back of your knees. but it was a therapeutic 2 miles, to that i can attest.  it doesn't happen often....but every now and again, the answer to the problem at hand is to just run away.
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when all else fails....there are always my littles to cheer me up. and my hubby too :)  here are a few snippets of our weekend...

pretty sure we're in trouble

CHUNK

gettin close!

emma insisted that she "put deoderant in her armpit" this weekend. i've stopped asking questions ;)

pouty

our garage sale greeter

love this man

brother&sister love

my men :)

murphy beach is always good for the soul