beautiful filler

those moments of soft light and in between.  the ones that feel loose and are without particular purpose. the ones that, if you aren't careful to pay attention, will quickly pass you by.  i call them filler moments and they are the moments i live for.

this weekend was all about {beautiful, magical} filler moments.  moments where we just existed with one another.  moments of snuggling and laughter and catching up with old friends.  they may have been without particular purpose but i think they are what life is all about.  we could all use more weekends, more moments, like this.

they fill the empty spaces & they fill our hearts.

happy monday, friends.

the story of princess murphy : 13.1 and done

six months ago i hit "register" on the runDisney Princess Half Marathon website and set my sights on training for and finishing my first half marathon.  notice that my goal was "finishing"....not "running really fast" or "blowing everyone out of the water".  just finishing.  i didn't care if i ran, walked, or crawled....i just wanted to cross the finish line on my own accord, certainly not at the hands of the bus that scoops up stragglers at the end not making pace. (for the record, i never even saw said bus....a good sign!).  i don't have a good explanation for why doing this was important to me other than to say that i wanted to set a goal for myself and meet it....and i wanted to have fun doing it.  i remember hitting that button only half believing that i could actually meet this goal and make it happen.

little did i know 6 months ago that running, something that i had previously really not enjoyed or been good at AT ALL.... would become this thing i turn to on good days and bad.....to get fresh air, to clear my head, to lift my spirits, to get a great efficient workout....it's my go to and way cheaper than therapy.  it's the only time that it's quiet in my wonderful crazy little life....filled with baby squeals and a busy work schedule. and despite the fact that especially in the few weeks leading up to the half, my training was less than optimal (oops!)....running has become something that i cannot live without.

race day started early.  2:30 early.  earlier than i've been up since ben was a newborn and it was the first of many hurts that day! despite my bleary eyed exhaustion, i jumped out of bed and fumbled in the dark.  ryan and the kid were asleep in the hotel room (full post on their first disney adventure to come) and i didn't want to wake anyone.  i washed my face, brushed my teeth, and donned my outfit......a lime green TUTU and a black tank top adorned with "powered by pixie dust" on the front, and oh so appropriate "princess murphy" on the back.  sock, shoes, and one small tiara later....i was ready to go.  with racing bib and headphones in hand, i left our room at 3am.

a tumultuous bus ride later (our bus driver had clearly never driven the route to the race before and landed us smack in the middle of horrible race day traffic) and a brief meet up with friends....i trekked in the dark with 20,000+ other princesses to our racing corrals.  we were situated near the back but weaved our way in and out of princess traffic to get to the forwardmost portion of our corral.  Cliche as it is to say....you could feel the energy in that place, that crowded huddle of princesses....many of them just like me having never run 13.1 miles ever before.

the firework start shot off at 5:30 but with our corral location, it wasn't my turn to start running until nearly an hour later.  the adrenaline and excitement, coupled with the encouragement of fellow runners got me through the first 9 miles without any major issues.  i spent a huge portion of that 9 miles weaving in and out of walkers on the road....never really finding a portion of open road to just run straight on.  i paid for this come mile 10 when my hips really started to ache.  as overly dramatic as it sounds, the feeling reminded me of childbirth....specifically those final moments as each beautiful baby descended into my pelvis forcing the bones to spread in preparation for their entry into the world.  {i warned you it was dramatic!} the only walking i did the entire time was through the water station at mile 10....and for some reason the pain was so much worse with walking so i just kept running.

the last 3 miles of that race were filled with lots of conversation. with myself and in my head.  the arguments against the voice that told me i couldn't finish, that the pain was too much and that i should just give up.  the decision to chant to myself, "you can do this. you WILL do this" as i ran up a long winding hill right at the end.  the smiles at strategically placed signs along the roadway plastered with motivational sayings...they seemed to pop up just at the right time.  the anger i felt....am i there yet? why am i not there yet?.  and honestly, the moment i remember most.....the thumping of my heart, goosebumps, and huge alligator tears that followed as i crossed mile marker 12 with the realization that....i am going to do this. i really am.

i crossed the finish line in 2 hours and 40 minutes.  nothing impressive although i am convinced that had i actually been able to run in a straight line rather than dodging for 10 miles, it would have happened faster.  but it doesn't matter in the slightest.  i finished the race and avoided that courtesy bus i was so terrified of.  i finished the race, landing into the congratulatory arms of my family.....and if it's possible to hug yourself, i did that too :) i was proud.  and as crazy as it sounds, i was online the next day looking for another half marathon to run.

so....i can officially cross "run a half marathon" off of my bucket list.  something about this experience has reminded me that i am capable of more than i give myself credit for. we all are.  and as much as i wish i could take credit for this sentiment....

feeling faces : an exercise in emotion

i was raised by two psychologists.  imagine the dinner conversations we had growing up!  i always joke with people who i meet and know me well enough to learn about my upbringing that "nothing i've ever said has been taken for face value!".  it's not really true and despite the fact that i was often a guinea pig for my parents students in training ~ weschler intelligence scale for children, you ain't got nothin' on me ~ i had a decidedly "normal" childhood, whatever that means.  i love my folks and think they are awesome parents.

one of my favorite photo sets is a group of 4 photos my mom took of my friends and i in our front yard one hot summer day.  we had been running through the sprinkler and were taking a break on the lawn.  she grabbed her camera and asked us, all together, to make faces.  "give me your HAPPY face" she said.  next, "what does a SAD face look like?".  she went down the line having us express our emotions with our faces, snapping photos as she went.  those 4 photos to this day are perhaps some of my favorite of me as a kid.

i tried the same experiment with emma a few days ago.  we have become very familiar with her range of emotions and one of my favorite things about watching her grow is watching this personality bloom. from happy to sad, angry to surprised....we see them all pretty much on a daily basis.  she's getting pretty good at not only wearing her feelings on her face but also telling us, "mommy, i'm angry" or "mommy, that makes me happy" which is pretty awesome to boot.

without further ado, can you figure out how she's feeling?

surprised

angry

scared

happy

sad

silly

emma's not the only one with feelings around here.  her little brother is happy to share his too!

boys will be boys : weekend adventures

i grew up on a sort of idyllic street in a large neighborhood here in town.  our particular subdivision was, and still is, tree infested and lush in appearance.  the houses were set far back from the street with large expanses of front yard with more than enough space for children to run wild.  and run wild we did. my street was special for nearly every house was a home to a child just about my age.  memories of the fun we had, my little gang and me, are fuzzy these days but still punctuate my recollection of growing up.

i remember the adventures to the sinkhole just beyond the edge of our neighborhood.  the boys would use tree vines to careen to the bottom and then race each other to the top while the girls danced around the perimeter and threw leaves into the center....watching to see whose floated to the bottom the fastest. i remember cartwheels and somersaults on freshly cut grass, water balloon fights, and the smell of the grill as we were called in for dinnertime.

some of the memories are fuzzy. but one stands out. the one about a boy named josh.  i remember him as the wild member of the crew who could never sit still and always seemed to be doing something dangerous.  on the evening of this particular memory, we had gathered in the cul de sac at the end of the street.  between bicycles and hula hoops, jump ropes and super soakers....it was block party of sorts, filled with evening excitement and an energy that you could feel.  our parents were there as well and shared grown up conversation as we all squeezed out the last bits of the days energy.  i had just learned how to ride a bike without pedal brakes....a pink bike with a flowered seat and tassles on the handlebars.  josh decided that he wanted to give it a try and so i offered up my bike for a spin.  he climbed aboard and with the swarm of us behind him, took of confidently down the street.  it wasn't long before he was going fast....fast enough that despite his wild streak he sensed he should slow down.  only he didn't know how and was too scared to listen to explanations of how to do it as we ran beside him.   he lost control of the bike, flying over its pink-tasseled handle bars and landed face first on the concrete and slid to stop across his bare chest in the street.  that moment, the sound of his slide and the screams that followed, are etched into my brain. a trip to the ER, some stitches and lots of bandages later he was just fine.

it has not taken 25 years and motherhood to teach me that boys and girls are different.  i learned that the hard way having a brother who along with his friends found fun in putting firecrackers in mailboxes growing up. even watching my husband and his group of guy friends can easily illustrate the difference between them and the girls.  lets just say that smoking cigars, playing beer pong, and shooting guns in the woods will not be itinerary of "girls night" any time soon.

this weekend, benjamin waved his "Y" chromosome proudly and it landed us right smack in the ER first thing saturday morning.  like any boy would, he HATES having his diaper changed or his face wiped....both of which needed to be done after he woke up, early mind you.  as i laid him down to clean him up, he propelled himself off headfirst.  much like the experience with josh, it happened fast yet in slow motion all at the same time.  he was headed toward the ground with his head in the lead ~ my foot instinctively flipped him around and he landed flat on his back.  and then the screaming began. and continued for 2 straight hours. blood curdling ear piercing screams that would not stop no matter what we did.  cuddles, food, tylenol....he wasn't having any of it.  i tried to set him down and he just plopped on the ground, screaming louder.  ben is, as anyone who knows him will attest, just about the most loving an easygoing dude around so this behavior was really not like him at all....and truthfully quite scary.  so to the ER we went.

the screaming continued in the ER....so loudly that the head doctor met us in the triage area curious as to what was going on.  he screamed and flailed and wouldn't let anyone touch him.  not even enough to have a reasonable exam done.  after an initial discussion and exam....the doctors looked me square in the face and told me that based on the fact that they couldn't find any one place he was hurting coupled with the way he was acting....they were concerned for a "brain bleed" and that he was going to need a CT scan of his head.  NOT the relaxing saturday i had imagined.

me, the ER physician, and two nurses held him down to give him some some ibuprofen and 3 hours after the original fall he finally started to calm down a little.  they wheeled us to the CT scanner on his stretcher and by the time we got done with that, he was fast asleep in my arms.  after an hour nap, and news that the CT was completely normal, he woke up good as new. as if nothing had happened.  as if my heart hadn't been ripped out of my body and run over by a mack truck.  he asked for a "cacka mil" (cracker & milk) and went straight to flirting with the nurses.  after he was done eating, he insisted on doing laps around the nurses station and it wasn't long before we were being discharged with a clean bill of health and shoulder shrugs as the doctors and i were both left saying, "i have no idea what the problem was!".

take home message.  boys will be boys.  he spent the rest of the weekend bumping his head on things, opening cabinets and pulling things out, and sneaking into his sisters room to jump on her bed.  i pray that he will not be as wild as that boy named josh and that this will be the last of our ER visits. i see many a grey hair in my future if this behavior persists.

emma on the other hand, was quite content to do her gymnastics, dance to justin bieber (a new obsession), and "set up for a party" all weekend.  she emptied our hutch of all our stored paper products and set them up all over the house in anticipation of a party she had planned in her head.  we've been hosting so many festivities over here lately that she's getting the hang of this hostess thing already!

** photos courtesy of my iPhone since i'm so busy chasing these rascals i barely break out the dslr anymore.  someday. **

and then she was three : time flies when you're having fun

as i rocked him to sleep tonight, i lingered with ben a little longer than usual.  i rested my head on his and listened to his soft rhythmic breaths as he drifted off into a dreamland....one probably with lots of bananas and lots of colored balls ;)  i snuggled with him in his darkened room and held him tightly...trying to imprint all of the little details of the moment into my brain.   the way his bottom lip puckers when he sleeps, the way his chubby little fingers grasp mine, those soft sweet cheeks i love to kiss...

my babies are growing up and time seems to slip away before my eyes.  birthdays, like the one ben's big sister had this week, are cause for celebration.  major celebration if you ask my opinion.  but they also remind me just how quickly time flies and how badly i want to grab on to these moments....to soak them up and drink them in and never let them go.

emma claire turned three years old this friday.  she told me mid-week in no uncertain terms, "mommy i want a cinderella party!".  big shock there as she is all about pink and princessy things these days.  work has been so busy that i had put off the little details of the day until the week drew to a close. i had brainstormed in my head but hadn't committed to anything.  we literally put the party together in 12 hours.  total.  between trips to target, michaels, what have you....she got herself a princess party.  it was a little hodge podge and thrown together but it didn't matter.  surrounded by family and dear friends and lots of LOVE we celebrated this little lady of ours and all the wonder, joy, and excitement she brings to our lives.  the star gift of the day was a new pink yukelele (emma is a huge music fan and has been recently wowing us with her breakdancing skills) from our favorites, nina and nags.  she promptly named her yukelele "tookie" ("two"-"key").....the name flew out of her mouth so fast it was like she'd been planning for this moment all her life.  i love this kid.

as a side note, i learned that my husband is quite good at painting mason jars and that ribbon garlands take way longer to make than is reasonable.  and that if all else fails, there are always cupcakes. publix cupcakes.

emmabean, my sweet little thing....you shine so bright and have such a sweet gentle spirit.  your commentary on life keeps getting better and better and those wicked dance moves, well....you're gonna have to teach us a few steps pretty soon.  the way you love art, and music, and dress up....and your little brother....well, it's just more than we could ever ask for.  you are pure magic and at three years old, i can already see you are going very very far in life.  we love you more than all the stars.  happy birthday!

{thanks again to you, miss nina for your stellar photography skills.  seriously, i cried looking at some of the moments you captured}.

be.

i liken my life to a carnival exhibit sometimes....namely that one with the man (or woman in my case) who manages to balance bunches of spinning plates atop skinny teetering poles....dodging quickly between them, scrambling to keep them each from shattering on the ground below.  and somehow, someway....i manage to get the important things done.  plates break now and again but thats to be expected. i don't know how and i have no brilliant advice for the young medical student on my team who is now weeks into her first pregnancy and just shy of residency ~ much like i was 4 short yet far-away years ago.  sometimes i want to whisper, "you have no idea how hard this will be."

she has no idea how hard it will be.  the pressure, likely and admittedly mostly self imposed, of being a good mom, a doting wife, a close friend, a proficient physician....some days it seems insurmountable, to be truthful.  i wouldn't change one thing about my life but to call it easy, to say i'm not stressed most days, to pretend i don't wish the world would just slow down would be a lie.

in the wake of the craziness the end of the year decided to bring (seriously, the crazybusy train pulled up to my house and unloaded right in front), i've thought a lot about how i want 2013 to look for me and for my family.  i'm not a new years resolution type of person ~ especially not this year when i know that all making new rules for myself will bring is just more stress.

if you take the first letters of ben and emma's names you get the word "be".  just "be".  a single syllable two lettered word that says a lot to me about what i want for us this year.  the pace of life may not slow down any time soon but to try and be still more, even in those hectic moments, sounds pretty appealing at the moment.  to put down my camera and just soak up the moments, to really breathe them in.  to stop getting so jazzed about crossing things off my to do list.  to thank my husband more and be more open with my love for him.  to be more patient with my children, even in the crazy moments ~ remembering that they are little people with their own developing personalities with different needs and talents. to be a more present and less distracted friend. to stop placing unfair expectations of perfection on myself and to stop being so hard on the person inside. to just be.  plain and simple.

happy 2013, my friends.